


Life's a Beach

by DancingGrimm



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Day At The Beach, Gen, Group Therapy, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Swimwear issue, Team Building
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-20 07:20:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 22,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4778504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DancingGrimm/pseuds/DancingGrimm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>RED Team played so many pranks on each other, the Administrator has sentenced them to group therapy. And while there's nobody for them to fight, BLU Team are given a little treat.<br/>They're going to have a day at the beach.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Field Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone on the bus is woken by Scout's strident cry of “I see a rhino's butt!”.  
> A glance out the window shows them a large sign bidding travellers 'Welcome to Beautiful Rhinoceros Butte National Park'. Scout, however, is pointing at Heavy.

Last Friday, RED team were not operating at optimum efficiency. Would you like to know why? It's because of a practical joke. That's all.

 

That is why Medic's glasses were missing, why Scout and Demo weren't speaking, why Heavy's flack vest had itching powder around the collar, why Spy's cigarette lighter blew up, and why, half an hour into a round, Engie reached into one of his pockets and got his finger broken by a mousetrap.

 

It wasn't just that particular Friday; this had been going on for days. Nearly two weeks ago, Scout and Soldier had an argument, so Scout packed paper towels into the toes of Soldier's boots. Soldier took his usual 'pain is weakness' approach to suddenly discovering his feet didn't fit into his boots properly and hobbled around in them all day. Medic eventually noticed something was wrong and, on examination, declared Soldier to be an idiot. Soldier did not appreciate this and switched the canister full of 'glowy red stuff' in the medigun pack for tomato ketchup, which meant that when Spy got set on fire during their next battle, Medic could only do so much for him. Now, when it comes to practical jokes, you don't want a Spy to be gunning for you, so when Demo decided to laugh his ass off about how Spy's suit smelled of sugary tomato goo for the rest of the day...

 

You know what? If we go over every event that led up to that disaster, we'll be here for hours.

 

Suffice it to say, RED team managed to screw up their own performance so badly last Friday that the Administrator decided to take action. Fortunately for RED team, Mann Co. had of late hired a new member of staff; an employee Counselor. Saxton Hale had recently discovered that some hippies have parents who are senators, and hiring the Counselor was a PR move to prevent substantial legal action. The Counselor's job is to ensure that there is 'harmony' and 'understanding' and 'synergy' between those who had to work together. And of course, Mr Hale was only too happy to loan his new employee to his old friend and administrative associate over at TFI.

 

Anyway, long story short, the Counselor's recommendation was that he spend a day with RED and try to get them to _reconnect_.

 

Meanwhile, he suggested, perhaps measures should be taken to ensure that nothing similar happened to BLU team. Maybe they could have some sort of leisure activity together, to reaffirm their bonds as a team. They'd just be sitting around while RED were in group therapy, after all, so why not let them do something fun.

 

That is why, on this Wednesday morning in late April 1968, the company has hired a bus and is taking BLU to the charmingly named Rhinoceros Butte National Park, and it's picturesque sandy lake shore.

BLU are going to have a day at the beach.

 

 

5.45

It's very early in the morning, and the whole BLU team is dressed, fed and yawning in the yard behind their base, waiting to get on the little grey bus that's come to pick them up. It's a three hour drive to Rhinoceros Butte National Park, and Miss Pauling has arranged it so they'll get a full day there, which means an early start. The general feeling is that getting up at 5.30 a.m. isn't very relaxing, but you know what? Nobody is going to argue with Miss Pauling. They're sleepy, not stupid.

 

They are all out of uniform (except for Pyro, who may not own any other clothes) and are carrying the various things they want to have with them for the day. Most of them have a change of clothes, a beach towel, a folding chair, and similar such things. Engie and Demo are lugging a big cooler between them, well stocked with beer and snacks. Medic has a stack of medical journals because he wants to take the opportunity to catch up on his professional reading. Pyro has a plastic beach set; a little spade and rake in a brightly coloured bucket with a lid. Sniper has a few odds and ends rolled up in a piece of canvas. Spy has a set of boules in a net bag. Heavy has his eyes closed and appears to be asleep standing up.

 

5.52

Miss Pauling pats them all down for weapons before they are allowed to get on the bus. She takes Soldier's shovel off him (ignoring his insistence that he'll need it with all that sand), Pyro's lighter fluid, Spy's balisong, and the Eyelander (who is most displeased). She sensibly asks Medic to frisk Scout in her place, and he makes Scout give up his pistol. Scout kicks him in the shin and Medic pinches Scout's ear until he yelps.

 

6.00

Everyone gets on the bus, even Heavy who still appears to be asleep. Miss Pauling waves to them, as it pulls away from the base and onto the narrow road that leads to the highway.

 

6.04

Everyone has sat down and got comfy, except for Soldier who is standing at the front haranguing the driver about how much force the roof of the bus could withstand. The driver does not know. Soldier is disgusted.

 

6.08

Heavy, who is in the wide rear seat, has laid down and started snoring. The others are starting to think that he has the right idea. The bus is big enough that they can each have a couple of adjacent seats to themselves, so they all settle in as comfortably as they can, pull hats or magazines over their faces, and try to get some shut-eye.

 

6.11

Soldier asks the bus driver how thorough the testing of the bulletproof glass in the windshield has been. The driver tells him that the glass is not bulletproof. Soldier is disgusted all over again. His disgust is very loud.

 

6.13

Noticing that the bus driver seems to be in fear for his life less than a quarter of an hour into their trip, and that none of them are likely to be able to sleep while all that's going on, Engie gets up and talks Soldier down. Soldier agrees to sit and rest up like the rest of the men. Engie returns to his seat. The bus driver pulls his rosary out of his shirt collar and pets it.

 

6.27

Everyone is asleep. Scout is scrunched into a ball, Pyro is snoring softly in his suit and Soldier has his finger wedged comfortingly up his nose like a child sucking its thumb. Spy has one eye open and drool in the corners of his mouth, Medic has a journal draped over his face, open at a page featuring a photograph of an abnormal gall bladder, and Sniper has folded himself up like a pretzel, his hat pulled over his eyes. Engie is so short he's managed to lie down over his two seats, Demo has his cheek smushed against the window, and Heavy's hand is patting around on the floor next to him, searching absently for Sascha.

All is peace.

All is calm.

 

6.32

The bus driver tucks his rosary back inside his shirt, and puts the pedal to the metal.

 

8.07

Scout wakes up, feeling refreshed. The others are all asleep and would probably be pissed off if he woke them, so he decides to just sit and watch the scenery out of the window. The sun is most of the way risen, and the way the light hits the desert landscape beyond the highway is beautiful enough to make a person become peacefully lost in thought for hours at a time.

 

8.08

Scout is bored.

 

8.10

The scenery having failed to come up with anything more interesting than a bunch of sand and some rocks, Scout is starting to get twitchy, and there's most of an hour left before they get to the lake. He considers talking to the bus driver, but everything the guy is wearing is beige, and Scout knows from experience that this does not bode well for finding an audience sympathetic to his charms. He decides to look out the window again and try spotting licence plates from different states.

 

8.19

Scout has seen four cars, all with New Mexico plates. They are also keeping pace with the bus, so they are the only cars he can see, and possibly the only ones on this whole stretch of highway. This game sucks on ice.

 

8.22

Scout has wracked his brains for some of the car games he used to play with his brothers when they were kids and their Dad was still around and they hadn't had to sell the car yet. He can't remember any that didn't end with him getting 'tattoos' drawn on him with markers, or somebody getting punched in the crotch. He looks around the bus to see if anyone else is awake yet.

Nope. Everyone else on this team is a lazy old jerk.

 

8.26

Scout breathes hard on the window to fog it up, then stares at the fog for so long while trying to decide what to draw that the fog fades and he has to breathe on it again.

 

8.27

Unable to decide, Scout returns to one of the classics.

 

8.29

Scout is eyeing the bus driver again, trying to divine whether or not the guy is likely to clean his bus thoroughly enough to wipe off the inside of the window before he has any other passengers. It would be a shame if nobody ever saw the awesome cock and balls he drew.

 

8.32

Scout finds a newspaper under the seat in front of his and settles down to read the funnies.

 

8.48

Everyone on the bus is woken by Scout's strident cry of “I see a rhino's butt!”.

A glance out the window shows them a large sign bidding travellers 'Welcome to Beautiful Rhinoceros Butte National Park'. Scout, however, is pointing at Heavy.

 

8.50

There is much rubbing of eyes, cricking of necks and smacking of lips while everyone wakes themselves up properly in preparation for their arrival. The bus winds along the narrow roads that lead through the park, showing them views of beautiful rolling hills and lush flora. The lake twinkles in the sun, huge and vividly blue.

 

8.51

Demo farts and everyone laughs.

 

8.52

The bus pulls into a gravel parking lot near the lake shore, manned by a short, red faced man wearing a bright green tabard. He angrily waves the driver over to a large space, angrily slaps a sticker onto the wind shield, and angrily welcomes them to the park. He is really remarkably angry, considering it's so early in the morning and there's hardly anyone around yet.

 

8.54

The mercs begin to disembark the bus in a leisurely manner. Soldier and Heavy get out first and stand on the gravel twisting around to get the kinks out of their backs. The parking attendant approaches them and eyes Demo, who is backing down the aisle of the bus holding one end of the big cooler, while Engie carries the other end.

 

8.55

The attendant says to Heavy and Soldier, in an undertone, that Demo had better stay on the bus and leave, as the lake isn't the place for his kind. With Heavy's English being less than fully fluent, and Soldier being Soldier, it takes them a moment to get what he is suggesting.

 

8.58

Demo gets off the bus, unhindered and blissfully unaware. The parking attendant is nowhere to be seen.

 

9.00

Everyone is off the bus. The driver tells them that he will return to pick them up at 8pm. He then pulls the lever to close the doors and peels out of the parking lot in a shower of gravel.

He saw what happened to the parking attendant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to do a time-stamp style story since I read a Sherlock story called The Road Trip by stupid_drawings years ago, an it was absolutely hilarious. I had no ideas for one for ages, and then suddenly this popped up, but it's taken me a long time to write because it's damn hard to keep track of nine energetic mercs all day. So, I hope you are enjoying it. I'll update every couple of days, probably.
> 
> As for this chapter, there is a real National Park in New Mexico called Elephant's Butte. The 'e' on the end of 'butte' marks it out as a topographical feature, so you can't go along to the park and see a huge, grey, crinkly arse sticking up out of the ground. Sadly.  
> Scout isn't good at entertaning himself.  
> And the mercs have each others' backs.


	2. Beach Dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Medic is going to be filling the role of what Scout calls 'beach Dad' for the day. This means he is going to spend most of the day in more or less the same spot, keeping an eye on everyone's stuff. He sets down his stack of journals (the one that's opened at the gall bladder on top), settles in his chair, and tells the assembled party that anyone referring to him in any way as 'Dad' will have their liver removed and shown to them.

9.00

[ _Back at RED, the Counselor has just turned up. He has parked his car (which has flowers painted above the wheel arches) and climbed out, completely oblivious to the faces peering at him from the windows of the base. He is a perky young man with shaggy hair, wicker shoes and a cheesecloth shirt. He practically glows with optimism and love for humanity._

_He won't last long._ ]

 

9.02

The BLU Team pick up their belongings and make their way down the gently sloping path to the sand. The beach is a narrow, mile-and-a-half long strip of yellow along the blue edge of the lake, a low rocky headland at either end of it. Right at the border where the sand meets more solid ground, there are many low wooden buildings. These are closed for the time being, with shutters over the windows and doors, but large signs above the entrances announce their purposes when they are open. There are food stalls, places that sell beachwear and toys, and a bar. Demo is gladdened by the presence of the bar. Heavy is gladdened by the presence of a sandwich place. Scout is gladdened by the presence of several young women in bikinis.

 

9.08

The guys have managed to pick a spot that everyone is happy with. It's far enough from the buildings and the path to the parking lot that they won't have people walking past them all the time, but not so far that they'll have a long walk to get a drink or a snack. Everybody waits for Medic to put up his beach umbrella and unfold his canvas deckchair in its shade, before they put their own stuff down. This is because Medic is going to be filling the role of what Scout calls 'beach Dad' for the day. This means he is going to spend most of the day in more or less the same spot, keeping an eye on everyone's stuff. He sets down his stack of journals (the one that's opened at the gall bladder on top), settles in his chair, and tells the assembled party that anyone referring to him in any way as 'Dad' will have their liver removed and shown to them.

 

9.10

Most of the guys had their bathing suits on under their clothes, so everybody gets themselves undressed or otherwise sorted out. Scout and Soldier are both wearing the sort of small, tight suits that Sniper refers to as 'budgie smugglers'. Most men look ridiculous in such garments, but it turns out that wiry youths and blocky, deep chested guys can just about pull them off (figuratively speaking). Scout's are plain navy blue. Soldier's are, to nobody's surprise, stars and stripes.

Sniper has foregone any sort of avian contraband transportation, and has on a pair of khaki shorts and some flip flop sandals (which he insists are called thongs) along with his ever present hat and glasses. He looks as much like he usually does as is possible while also being in beachwear.

Engie has on bright yellow shorts with a pink seagull pattern, and a turquoise Hawaiian shirt with purple hibiscus flowers. He's so loud you could use him as a foghorn. Spy refuses to look at him.

Spy has a pair of snug fitting black shorts on, and a short sleeved white shirt that he has unbuttoned but not taken off. He is also still wearing his mask. He's technically allowed to take it off in situations like this, but he claims that his professional ethics demand that he keeps it on. Most of the team are pretty sure the actual reason is that he doesn't want anyone to see the weird panda tan lines on his face. Vanity, thy name is Spy.

Demo has taken off his hat and there is already sand caught in his hair. He doesn't know how it happens so fast; the stuff's like a sand magnet. He's determined to be philosophical about it though, as a sandy scalp is far less weird and annoying than trying to swim wearing a knit cap. He has on bright green shorts and a pair of sunglasses big enough that the eye-patch isn't immediately apparent.

Heavy is wearing the only pair of shorts he could find that fit him properly which are, unfortunately, red. Soldier starts to get into a rant about this, until Heavy points out that his own trunks have red stripes on them, at which point Soldier seems to delete the whole conversation from his mind and starts making fun of Engie's flowery shirt.

Medic has on a pair of linen trousers, boat shoes, and a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and the top two or three buttons undone. It is the least amount of clothing any of the rest of the team have ever seen him wear outside of their shared bathing facilities, and it feels weirdly voyeuristic to look at him. He's usually under at least two layers, and suddenly they can see his bare ankles and most of his collar bones. On the other hand though, he's more covered up than anyone else on the beach. With one exception.

Pyro, as we've already covered, is wearing his usual.

 

9.12

The lake is beautiful. The water is clear and clean, and the bottom is all soft sand and little round rocks. There are shoals of tiny silver fish wafting about in the shallows and gulls bobbing peacefully on the surface further out.

Most of the BLU team have headed straight into the water. The exceptions are Medic, who has already settled in with his journals, Pyro, who is chasing gulls, and Spy, who is in a _mood_. Engie and Sniper are ambling about in the shallows, just getting a feel for the water and sinking their toes into the sand. The others have waded in deeper to swim.

 

9.18

Even though it's already shaping up to be a warm day, the water is still pretty cold. Heavy might as well be in a bath for all that he's used to low temperatures, and he's well insulated besides. Demo and Soldier put up with the cold pretty well and find that, once they are moving about, they quickly warm up. Poor skinny Scout is decidedly chilly and putting on a brave face.

 

9.19

Pyro likes the sound the gulls make as he chases them. It sounds like the noises the popcorn trees make when you chop at their branches. _Exactly_ like them. Uncanny!

 

9.21

Heavy is having a great time swimming in the lake. He used to go quite frequently to swim in the lake near his family's home when he was younger. This lake is far warmer, however, and his sisters aren't around to splash him, which makes for a far more pleasant experience.

 

9.22

Scout has got out of the lake. Not because he was cold. Because the lake is stupid. Besides, all the girls are on the beach.

 

9.24

Sniper and Engie will never admit it, but they find the lake a bit intimidating. Neither of them grew up in a place with lots of open water, and it's not like the sea which swishes itself around in a comforting, fidgety sort of way. They are content to stay in the shallows, rather than venture out into the water for a swim.

 

9.25

Medic has settled in nicely to his temporary lair. His deck chair is comfy, the shade of the umbrella is in just the right position, he has a nice view, and all of his things are in reach. He takes out his sunblock and carefully applies it to the few areas of his skin which are actually at risk of being touched by the sun. Then he picks up the first of his journals and starts to read.

 

9.27

Engie and Sniper have noticed the tiny silver fish swimming around in the shallows. They are in little shoals, which swish about sleekly, like a flock of starlings. They are strikingly noticeable in the slight murk of sand that their feet have kicked up in the water. Engie remarks that they are quite beautiful, and Sniper agrees.

Then they both remember that they are male manly men, and cough, and forget they mentioned it.

 

9.28

Spy expresses his discontent over being sent to the beach to Medic. Nobody asked him if he wanted to go to the beach. Why couldn't they go somewhere more engaging, somewhere with a bit of culture, with interesting people to talk to? Spy does not like beaches. He does not like sand between his toes and shrieking children. He also does not like that he had to go in the bus, when he could have had a perfectly enjoyable drive here in his car. He has worked himself into a proper snit.

Medic responds with 'Hm'.

 

9.30

The sun is starting to feel rather warm, and Heavy is becoming a little nostalgic for when he used to go ice bathing. They would cut a hole in the ice on the lake and take it in turns to dunk themselves into the water. It felt awful and wonderful at the same time, and they emerged from the water feeling ready to take on the world.

He wonders if Engineer could rig up the freezer to the bathtub back at base...

 

9.32

Demo is enjoying his swim very much, too. The lake is clear and refreshing and, as far as his research has shown, monster free. He swims quite far out and decides to see if he can dive down to the bottom.

 

9.33

Medic is very much enjoying a journal article about urethra transplants. It's terribly interesting. He can't wait to try out what he's learning.

 

9.35

A lady in a neon green and hot pink striped bathing suit, a black and white op-art printed sarong and a giant, bright orange sun hat compliments Engie on his outfit. See, he knew he was stylish.

 

9.36

Demo can indeed dive to the bottom of the lake. Still no sign of monsters, it's all good. He finds a pretty rock and carries it back up to the surface with him. Once out of the water it looks boring, so he skips it across the surface and scares the crap out of a gull. Scares the crap out of Soldier too, and he decides to get out of the lake and go find somebody to yell at.

 

9.38

The tiny fish have turned Sniper's mind to fishing. He enjoys getting his rod out and waving it around once in a while. He doesn't have a license, but if anybody takes him to task on that, he'll deal with it.

 

9.39

Scout and Soldier have discovered a jellyfish washed up on the shore of the lake. It's a sort of pale pinky-yellow colour and about as big as Soldier's hand with the fingers spread out. It's smooth and shiny in the middle, stringy underneath, and sort of frilly around the edges. They're pretty sure it's dead; it doesn't move, even when Soldier yells at it. Neither of them have ever seen a jellyfish before, and it's fascinatingly weird.

 

9.40

Pyro has met another Pyro. Usually this is a bad thing, and Pyro has to put down his rainbow gun and use the other, noisier one. However, this Pyro is friendly and playful. He lives in the lake. Pyro didn't even see him up until now, which is rather embarrassing, but then he leaned over the water, and there was his new friend. Lake Pyro seems to have the same ideas on most things as regular Pyro, which is very gratifying. However, he isn't much of a conversationalist.

 

9.41

Soldier and Scout proudly show their jellyfish off to Sniper as he walks past them. Sniper derides the jellyfish as 'rubbish' and 'not trying hard enough'. Where Sniper comes from, jellyfish have 70-foot long tentacles and enough venom to kill an elephant. They eat Great White Sharks and dissolve surfboards. It takes a whole boatload of Australians armed to the teeth to take out one Australian jellyfish.

The Rhinoceros Butte jellyfish looks like something an old lady would wear on her head in the rain.

Soldier insists that the American jellyfish is infinitely superior, it's just tired. If it had had a good night's sleep, it would be running amok on the beach, poisoning people willy nilly. Scout admits it's probably dead.

Sniper advises them not to touch it. Even if it is dead, if it's venomous, it could still hurt somebody.

 

9.42

Spy is roaming up and down the beach, emanating angst, ennui, and a general sense of European-ness. If he doesn't get out of that mood soon, he's going to have a terrible day.

 

9.44

Scout dares Soldier to touch the jellyfish. Soldier pokes it with his toe.

 

9.45

Soldier dares Scout to touch the jellyfish. Scout pokes it with his toe, then pulls a face. It's jiggly and gross. They can't think of a good reason why anybody would want to touch one.

 

9.46

Soldier and Scout are still taking turns toe-poking the dead jellyfish.

 

9.47

Demo dives down into the lake again and picks up something a bit unusual looking on the lake bed. When he gets back to the surface, he realises it is a bird skull. It's completely clean of flesh and slightly greenish from being in the water. It's interesting enough that he decides to keep it, and manages to attach it to the drawstring of his shorts.

 

9.49

Sniper returns to Beach Dad HQ to fetch his fishing rod and a small jar of maggots that he got from Medic's lab earlier (just in case) from his roll of canvas. He sets off down the beach a ways, towards the headland where the lake bed drops sharply from the water line. Ought to be a good spot.

 

9.50

Demo dives down again and finds an empty glass bottle. It's a rum bottle, the label long since worn away but the glass miraculously intact. Useful. He considers taking it up to the beach, but remembers Miss Pauling's no weapons ruling, and also the fact that they are supposed to be on a break. He leaves it on the lake bed, for future generations.

 

9.52

Soldier and Scout's feet have gone numb. They both have one normal foot and one foot (coincidentally the same ones they were poking the jellyfish with) that has gone all floppy and tingly. Weird. They elect to go and find the Medic.

 

9.53

Heavy has gotten out of the lake and is taking a stroll along the beach. An elderly man says hello to him and he replies politely. The elderly man scowls upon hearing his accent, and immediately begins lecturing Heavy on the evils of Communism. Heavy does not need this shit.

 

9.54

Medic is enjoying an article on new apparatus for ocular surgery. While examining a photograph of an incision being made in a patient's eyeball, his attention is commanded by the sound of Heavy shouting, and he looks up to see Heavy in the midst of an argument with a very loud old man. A brief glance allows Medic to come to the conclusion that Heavy can take the old man, and that he is highly unlikely to need any assistance. He turns his head and sees, further down by the water line, Engineer piling up sand.

 

9.56

Engie is building a sandcastle. It started out as a little experiment into the ideal dampness of sand for cohesion, but has now started to take some sort of shape. He is picking up handfuls of damp sand, squashing it flat between his palms, and stacking the resulting blobs into roughly castle-like piles. It's already up to his knee.

 

9.57

It's tricky to walk when you've got a numb foot. Soldier and Scout are having to hold onto each other and stagger their way across the sand like a very clumsy three-legged-race. Medic sees them approaching and sighs deeply.

 

9.59

After a brief examination and a few questions, Medic has diagnosed Soldier and Scout to be suffering from idiocy. And jellyfish sting, but mainly idiocy. He picks up his medical bag and hunts through it for ointment, then tells them to sit down and present their feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know freshwater jellyfish are a lot smaller than what I'm describing, and probably look totally different. However, this is a canon that includes wizards, bizarre metals, whatever the fuck is going on with New Zealand, and so on and so forth. I think I can get away with the jellyfish.
> 
> I am splitting this up into chapters in quite a perfunctory way, by the way. Things that are left unresolved in this chapter will be sorted out in another one. The story is already so complicated, I can't be doing with my usual cliffhanger approach to multi-chapter stories. 
> 
> Oh, and if anyone wants to leave me a comment, that would be very much appreciated. I always like to hear feedback.


	3. Castles in the Sand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heavy does not want to be taken under the body builders' collective wing. He does not want to work on his body fat levels. He does not want to participate in 'leg day'. He does not want to apply wax to any part of himself.

10.00 [ _Back at RED, Miss Pauling has gathered everyone into the briefing room, where the Counselor is explaining their goals for the day._

_The mercs are not interested in the Counselor's goals. Their idea of goals involves body counts and ammunition stocks. His idea of goals includes things like 'personal actuation' and 'self-motivational behaviour patterns' and other vague concepts._

_The Counselor is less than encouraged by the mercs' initial reactions to him. They all sat around the briefing table when asked, but none of them seem particularly engaged with his discourse. The short guy with the goggles is doodling, the young one in the knickerbockers keeps staring at Miss Pauling, the one in the labcoat and the one in the helmet are glaring at him, the very large man and the one in the balaclava are glaring at each other, the African American man appears to be drunk, and the weird one is playing with a lighter._

_Oddly, the only one behaving appropriately is the one Miss Pauling pointed out to him as an Australian. The Counselor thinks of Australians as all being rather like Mr Hale; loud, violent and generally lacking in empathy. This one, however, is sitting neatly in his chair, his arms folded, gazing at the Counselor down the length of the table steadily and intently, as if totally absorbed by the topic at hand. His attention reassures the Counselor and makes him feel empowered to deal with whatever this day might throw at him!_

_Sniper is asleep with his eyes open._ ]

 

10.02

Spy is still roaming the beach like the anguished hero of a Bronte novel, scowling at any local wildlife he happens to pass. The wildlife cares not a jot.

 

10.03

Pyro finds the jellyfish that made Scout and Soldier's feet go all wibbly wobbly. He wags his finger at it and gives it a good scolding. The jellyfish fails to display appropriate repentance, so Pyro picks it up and tosses it under a sun lounger. That'll show it!

 

10.05

Scout is sitting on the cooler with one leg stuck out while Medic applies ointment to his foot. The feeling is starting to come back, which is great. However, it suddenly occurs to Scout that any casual onlooker will not know about the jellyfish, and will simply assume that he is getting a foot-rub from another dude. He freaks out and falls backwards off the cooler. Medic tuts and tells Soldier it's his turn.

 

10.06

Heavy is still walking along the beach, followed by the old man, who is still yelling at him. A seagull poops on the old man's shoulder, and he abruptly becomes less angry at Communism than he is at the seagull. Heavy takes the opportunity to escape.

 

10.08

Soldier doesn't give a damn about people thinking he's getting a foot rub. He just wants his foot back from whatever place that weird commie jellyfish made it go to.

 

10.09

Demo dives down once again to the lake bed and finds a bikini top. Just the top, no bottoms. It's pink and flowery. How did its owner lose it? What did she do afterwards? Demo would love to know the story behind this, but fears he never will. He leaves it in the lake.

 

10.11

Pyro is watching Engie build his sandcastle. Engie asks him if he wants to help. Pyro considers, but then walks a few yards away, puts down his beach set, and starts building his own castle.

 

10.12

Sniper has picked an ideal spot to fish. He pieces his rod together and casts off. It's nice and quiet here still.

 

10.15

Engie's castle is now up to his lower chest, and filling out nicely into towers, walls and keeps. Pyro's castle has just fallen down for the second time. Engie yells at him to put a little more water on the sand. Pyro pretends not to hear him.

 

10.16

The shutters on the beach bar slide up and two young men inside begin setting out glasses and ice buckets. Demo's booze sense starts tingling. He comes flying out of the lake like Johnny Weissmuller.

 

10.17

Pyro has returned from the lake edge with his bucket full of water, which he pours onto the sand that he's trying to build with. He doesn't say anything, but his body language makes it clear that he is doing this because he wants to and not because Engie told him to.

 

10.20

Spy and Soldier have crossed paths a little way away from where Engie and Pyro are building their sandcastles. Soldier opines that Pyro's castle will be the best, because he has the proper tools, i.e. a bucket and spade. Spy opines that Engie's will be the best because he is an engineer.

 

10.21

Engie yells at Soldier and Spy to stop arguing, as they are getting quite loud. Soldier suggests that they make a bet. Spy is bored enough to agree. They each back their favoured castle-builder, and the loser will have to perform a forfeit chosen by the winner. They shake hands on it.

 

10.22

Demo strolls up to Beach Dad HQ with a Red Headed Slut. This is a cocktail comprising Jagermeister, peach schnapps and cranberry juice. Turns out the beach bar has a full compliment of cocktails which, according to the bartender, are very popular among the high season upper-middle-class couples who drink to forget how much they hate their spouses. Demo spreads his towel out near Medic's chair and settles down.

 

10.23

A little area of the beach has been taken over by body builders, a group of young men with visibly well developed muscles, who want to oil themselves up and work on their tans. They are immensely pleased with themselves.

Heavy walks past this group and is looked upon with pity. The body builders form the opinion that he doesn't know what he's doing. He's doing well with the arms, but needs attention elsewhere. They decide to take him under their wing.

 

10.24

Soldier is helping Pyro with his sandcastle, running back and forth with the little plastic bucket to get more water. Spy decides that if Soldier is going to cheat, so is he. He sidles over to Engie and offers to help. Engie finds the whole situation damn funny. A day at the beach turns everyone into children.

 

10.25

Heavy does not want to be taken under the body builders' collective wing. He does not want to work on his body fat levels. He does not want to participate in 'leg day'. He does not want to apply wax to any part of himself. He wants to keep warm in the Russian winter, carry Sascha around, and make tiny baby men wish they had never left the house. His body is in ideal shape for these things. The body builders ignore this argument.

 

10.27

Demo suggests Medic goes swimming. The water's very pleasant. Medic says no, as he sunburns easily. He is staying both in his clothes and under his umbrella. Speaking of which, he takes a moment to reapply his sunblock to the little of his skin that is showing. It's a home-made concoction that looks like lemon jello and smells like charcoal. Medic is puzzled that none of the others wanted to try it.

 

10.28

Spy has a plastic spoon and a drinking straw, and is using them to add detail to Engie's already quite impressive sand castle. Soldier has become bored with fetching water and is building a defensive wall around Pyro's castle. It keeps falling down in places because it isn't damp enough.

 

10.29

The body builders want to know how much Heavy can lift. He tells them and they don't believe him. They think he just made a number up. Heavy grasps one of the body builders by the waist with one hand, and lifts him into the air. Now they believe him.

 

10.30

Demo remembers the bird skull he found and asks if Medic would like it. Yes, Medic would like it. Medic can tell that it's the skull of a King Rail, and that it was likely killed by a predator. He goes to put it in the cooler, with the snacks and beer. Demo stops him and convinces him to put it on his pile of journals, 'so people know they're his and don't mess with them'. Not that anybody would want to, but at least the skull isn't touching anything edible.

 

10.32

Scout has been walking around to try and get his foot back to normal. He notices a bus arrive and about a dozen people get out. These people look like college students, and half of them are female. The guys immediately run off down the beach and start mucking about, leaving the girls trailing after them, chatting. To Scout, this looks very promising.

Demo notices the students arrive. He hopes they won't be too noisy, then realises that he just had that thought and despairs that he's turning into an old fogey.

Medic notices the students arriving too. He hopes that they don't come too close to his lair. He's enjoying the quiet, and his article on a patient whose rectal functions were rerouted through his nasal sinus.

 

10.34

Sniper catches a fish. He thinks it's a white bass. Not a very big one, but a quite impressive looking fish all the same.

 

10.37

Engie and Spy's sandcastle has flying buttresses and conical roofs. Pyro and Soldier's castle has a divot in the main keep where Soldier rested his knee while trying to get a look at what Engie and Spy were up to.

 

10.38

Heavy has left the body builders, in spite of their numerous attempts to interest him in their activities, and continues on along the beach. One of the body builders' girlfriends attempts to go with him. He tells her very firmly that a) he is too old for her, b) she isn't his type and c) she ought to find better people to hang around with, ideally ones who don't harass strangers who are stronger than them about their waist line.

 

10.42

A guy shows up and demands that Sniper show his fishing permit. Now, here's a lesser known fact about Sniper; spending so much time staring through a scope has given him a rather piercing and very steady gaze. He has long since learned that normal people, i.e. not mercs, find his stare deeply unsettling. So, he takes off his sunglasses and stares hard at the guy.

The guy holds out for about forty seconds, then makes a sad little noise and leaves. Mercs 1: Forces of Order 0.

 

10.45

Demo is sunbathing. The weather is one thing about Scotland he doesn't miss. He didn't know that rain could fall vertically until he was 22, and it was often so foggy that you couldn't even see your explosions going off. It's not so warm a day that the heat is uncomfortable, but it's bright enough that he's pleasantly toasty. He's very glad he's not a typical Scot, i.e. pasty pale. Most of those lads get about two freckles worth of warning before burning up like a crisp. Demo ought to be fine.

 

10.46

A small crowd has gathered around Engie and Spy's castle, where Spy, according to Soldier, is getting 'all artsy fartsy' with the sand. An elderly lady is watching Soldier and Pyro. She tells them they have made a very nice dinosaur. Soldier yells at her, but fortunately her hearing is about as bad as her eyesight and she believes he's discussing nearby waterfowl.

 

10.48

Demo is having a nice little snooze on his towel. There is so much sand in his hair now that he'll probably have to fight to lift his head when he sits up.

 

10.51

Medic wonders if he should wake Demo and tell him to put on sunblock. It is awfully bright, and Demo isn't in any shade. On the other hand, his natural skin pigmentation gives him rather more protection than any of the rest of them. Medic decides to see if anything happens to him. If he does burn, Medic can time how long it took, which will be interesting.

 

10.53

There's quite a large crowd around Engie and Spy now. Spy has done a lovely job of adding details; the tops of the keep now have crenellated battlements along them. There are arrow slit windows in the towers, and in the main parts of the structure there are larger windows with shapes inside them that suggest people peering out. At the bottoms of the walls there are rough shapes of bushes and climbing plants, and at the front an arched entryway is filled with a portcullis, etched most convincingly against the vertical surface of the sand. Engie is finishing up the drawbridge and is thinking about adding another tower.

Meanwhile, Pyro and Soldier's castle is looking decidedly odd. The side that Soldier is working on has a strangely shaped imprint in it, from where he fell into it face first having miss-estimated the weight-bearing potential of the sand next to the moat. Pyro's side is looking less castle-like by the minute, as he has decided that the elderly lady who stopped by earlier had a point, and he is now trying to make a sand dinosaur.

 

10.59

Scout has been watching the college girls, waiting for one to break away from the flock to he can pursue her. He tries to hit on a girl wearing short shorts and a bikini top. He asks her sign. She tells him it's Capricorn. Scout tells her he _loves_ goats! She gives him a weird look and walks off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell how much fun I'm having with this?   
> Can you tell that I've had to sit through workplace team building sessions?  
> Can you tell that I love building sandcastles? Because I do.
> 
> Also, I would totally be doing what Medic is doing; I would put on a shirt and a hat and sunblock and stay under and umbrella and still burn to a crisp because I am so fucking PALE! WHY!?! DAMN YOU SCOTTISH HERITAGE!


	4. Settling In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Demo and Medic are discussing an article about chemical burns in one of Medic's journals. Demo is pointing out all the different ones he has had, and Medic is getting him to rate them by degree of painfulness.

 

11.00 [ _Back at RED, the mercs have left the briefing room for a bathroom break, and the Counselor takes a moment to talk to Miss Pauling about how she thinks it's going so far. She looks rather surprised that he asked; perhaps she assumed he had known it was going well. He did, but he likes to have it confirmed. She tells him she's sure the mercs are going to really learn a lesson today._

 _She does mention to him, however, that he shouldn't refer to Demo as 'African American'. The Counselor assures her that this is the politically correct term. She tells him that Demo is Scottish, not American. The Counselor assumes she is joking with him; that man can't be Scottish, he wasn't wearing a kilt._ ]

 

11.03

Engie and Spy's sandcastle is finished. It's a beauty. The moment they both get to their feet and stand back from it, the onlookers whip out cameras and start snapping away. Some of them applaud. This marks the first time in the history of BLU that a Spy and an Engineer, willingly and of their own volition, share a fist bump.

Soldier invites the onlookers to take photos of his and Pyro's half dinosaur, half mashed castle structure. The onlookers decline.

 

11.06

Pyro is in a temper. He can be a bit childish at times. He and Soldier have a shout at each other and Soldier storms off. Engie suggests to Spy that they leave Pyro to simmer down. Spy, feeling quite pleased with himself, decides to make the most of his and Engie's new-found shared interest and suggests they go and get a drink.

 

11.10

Demo, refreshed from his nap and without the least sign of sunburn, returns to the bar, where Engie and Spy are drinking beers together and discussing the finer points of Medieval architecture. Demo regales them with tales of his family's ancestral keep. Engie and Spy brag about their sand castle.

 

11.15

Medic is reading an article on a new hospital in Melbourne, set up especially to treat a condition peculiar to Australia, known as FUTA, or 'foot up the ass'. It seems that Saxton Hale has supported the building of the special hospital by donating several million dollars and an undisclosed number of new patients.

 

11.16

Sniper's second successful catch, a catfish, has caught the attention of a braggart. He has approached Sniper with the intention of boasting about his superior fishing abilities. Sniper does not appreciate this, as the braggart has drawn a few people over to listen to him. Snipers and crowds don't mix well, generally.

 

11.17

Scout tries to hit on another college girl, this one wearing a bright green sun dress. He asks her what sort of music she's into. She tells him that she really loves Debussy. Scout's disappointed; he thinks he accidentally hit on a lesbian.

 

11.19

Demo returns to his beach towel with a Jaguar Milk. This is a cocktail comprising cachaça, milk, condensed milk and chocolate licor. Medic says he didn't know you could milk a jaguar. He seems to have missed the point.

 

11.20

The braggart claims that Sniper is holding his fishing rod incorrectly. He tries to take it off him to demonstrate the proper grip, but Sniper holds it, horizontally, up in the air at arms length. The braggart gives up when he realises he'd have to jump up and down like an idiot to reach it.

 

11.27

Soldier, still annoyed about the sandcastle fiasco, approaches Pyro and suggests a truce. They can let bygones be bygones. Soldier will even take the blame. But he needs Pyro to help him out with one little thing.

 

11.31

Demo and Medic are discussing an article about chemical burns in one of Medic's journals. Demo is pointing out all the different ones he has had, and Medic is getting him to rate them by degree of painfulness.

 

11.34

Over by the headland, the braggart tries to convince the onlookers that Sniper has just cast off incorrectly. He is part way into a fairly convincing sounding explanation of why Sniper isn't going to catch any fish that way, when Sniper pulls a good sized catfish out of the water. The braggart finally shuts up and fucks off.

 

11.42

Spy and Engie return from the beach bar to their sandcastle to find it has been set on fire.

 

11.43

Spy and Engie have compiled a list of suspects who could be responsible for the burning of their castle. It's a very short list.

 

11.48

The body builders, keen to get back some sense of their own magnificence in the face of Heavy's scorn, decide to jeer at some skinny kid who walks by. They picked on the wrong skinny kid. Scout knocks a little sense into a couple of them and moves on. It was good for him to work off a little frustration. He'll have better luck with the ladies now, he's pretty sure.

 

11.50

Demo returns to the bar and purchases a Slippery Nipple. This is a cocktail comprising Irish cream and Sambuca. He notices on the menu some cocktails that would suit his colleagues. Medic could have a Corpse Reviver, and Pyro would probably like a Backdraft. However, there is a mutual agreement between the team at large that neither of those two is to be given strong alcohol, so he won't bring it up.

 

11.52

Spy is annoyed about the castle and has gone to find Soldier and do something mean to him. Engie has said he will deal with Pyro, though secretly he is a little impressed that Pyro managed to ignite damp sand. He was standing right next to the guy when Miss Pauling patted him down, and knows full well that he didn't have any accelerants on him, and he's pretty sure none of the beach traders would be stupid enough to sell anything flammable to a person wearing a flame-proof suit.

 

11.55

At the bar, Demo has got chatting with a guy who is at the beach with his wife and daughter. He is throwing back drinks like Demo on a bad day (possibly in an attempt to forget how much he hates his spouse), and complaining bitterly that his kid keeps asking him to play with her. Demo wonders why he brought a kid to a beach in the first place if he didn't want that to happen.

 

11.56

Pyro is upset about Engie's castle, but not because it was better than his dinosaur. He's over that. No, he's upset because he knows Engie doesn't like it when people make his belongings all glittery, at least not when they don't have his permission. He decides he's going to try and bury the hatchet. Not literally. Probably.

 

11.58

Sniper is feeling quiet and serene, and really relaxed.

Then Scout turns up.

Scout is bored and irritable and wants a sympathetic ear. Neither of Sniper's ears are particularly sympathetic, especially when Scout's voice is so loud and scaring the fish away. He catches another bass all the same and, when he has a bit of difficulty getting the hook out of its mouth, Scout notices, declares it to be gross, and leaves. Sniper feels oddly grateful to the bass, and drops it back into the lake as gently as he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That thing with Debussy may be the best pun I've ever come up with. I'm so proud. I really really hope it makes sense to you and I'm not just laughing about it on my own.
> 
> Also, this bit with the Councellor calling Demo the wrong thing...I was kind of trying to make the point that people who think of themselves as very liberal and broad minded, and who know all the proper, representitive, politically correct terminology, can still be really prejudiced and not even know it. And they get complacent about prejudice as well, and it stinks, and they need to be called out on it. And then I remember that I'm a white lady talking about racism on the internet and I shut my trap...


	5. Lake Beasties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sniper has become a little bored with fishing. There's only so much of one's life one can spend standing mostly still, waiting for a narrow window of opportunity in which to do something precise and destructive.

12.00 [ _Back at RED, the Counselor is regretting letting the mercs out of the briefing room when they all asked to use the bathroom. They left over an hour ago and he hasn't seen them since. He is making his way around the base trying to round them back up. He can hear hammering coming from somewhere, and baritone singing from somewhere else, but he can't place the source of the noises. Also, he thinks he just saw somebody go flying past a window._

_He finds Miss Pauling, who has collected the young one in the knickerbockers. This one seems to be attempting to flirt with her. She agrees to help him find everyone else. They lock Scout in the briefing room and go off to search the rest of the base._ ]

 

12.01

Spy has found Soldier sulking, up to his chin in the lake. From a distance he just looks like a helmet floating on the surface of the water. Or a turtle. Spy wades in to talk to him.

 

12.03

Engie finds Pyro, who apologises to him. Engie accepts; it was only a sand castle, after all. He asks Pyro how he managed to set the thing on fire. Pyro explains. Engie can't really understand much of it, but he nods and smiles anyway.

 

12.05

Spy asks if Soldier has forgotten about their wager and the forfeit he is now owed. Soldier mumbles something unhappily into the water. Spy accuses Soldier of having no honour.

 

12.06

Sniper sees Soldier chasing Spy along the beach, yelling. He can _hear_ him yelling, even, from all the way at the other end of the beach. It's just like a bloody work day.

 

12.12

Scout goes to the beach bar to get a drink and maybe chat with some of the girls who are hanging out there. The bartender asks him how old he is. Scout tells him. As soon as the bartender is done laughing, he tells Scout to get lost.

 

12.13

Pyro, hungry, looks at the available food places and opts to buy some chilli from one of the vendors. The vendor looks at Pyro's clothing and asks if he's planning on diving in the lake. Pyro laughs; the chilli isn't _that_ hot.

 

12.14

Medic is reading an article on the treatment of the various diseases one can contract from interaction with wheat. He never would have imagined that bread had the potential to be so dangerous. Heavy shows up and sits down next to him, and offers to look after all their stuff while Medic goes and gets himself some lunch. Medic accepts and goes off to get himself a hotdog.

 

12.15

Wandering along the beach with his drink, Demo discovers the smouldering ruins of what appears to have been a sandcastle. In fact, recalling their earlier description, it appears to be Engie and Spy's sandcastle. Pyro and Soldier must have been very sore losers. In a fit of public-spiritedness, Demo scoops damp sand over the remains to put the fire out, wondering how in hell Pyro got it to burn in the first place.

 

12.16

Scout storms back to Beach Dad HQ to get his ID out of his bag. Heavy is there and asks him what he is doing. Scout recounts the lengthy story of the many ways in which the bartender is a total dickbag.

 

12.20

Soldier has chased Spy over quite a lot of the beach and has failed to catch him. This is a novel experience for them both, mainly as neither of them is armed. Now Soldier is tired out, which has also calmed him down. He ill-naturedly agrees to listen to Spy's forfeit demands.

 

12.22

Medic returns to his deck chair with a hotdog. American weiners are often inferior to German ones, he has found, being rather bland and too finely ground for his tastes. However, he does like the vibrantly yellow, oddly smooth mustard, and the smell of the water the weiners are cooked in. He settles back down and asks Heavy what he has spent his morning doing. Heavy recounts the story of the body builders, which Medic finds very entertaining.

 

12.25

Sniper has become a little bored with fishing. There's only so much of one's life one can spend standing mostly still, waiting for a narrow window of opportunity in which to do something precise and destructive. He packs up his rod and other accoutrements, picks up his catch, and leaves his spot.

 

12.26

Pyro doesn't like to take his mask off where people can see him, but he can't eat with his mask on. This is complex logic at work, but thankfully his team mates seem to get it. Medic has pulled his deckchair forwards, so there is a space behind it where Pyro can tuck himself into the little gap under the umbrella and eat his chilli in peace.

 

12.28

Scout returns to the bar and brandishes his ID triumphantly at the bartender, who grudgingly allows him to sit down and order a drink. Scout asks for a beer and sits on a stool next to a pretty lady in a shocking pink one-piece. He asks her where she's from. She's from New York. Scout immediately backs off; he doesn't want to risk getting emotionally attached to a potential Yankees fan.

 

12.29

A lady approached Demo as he finished extinguishing the fire. She asks him what was burning. Demo, never one to pass up an opportunity for a tall tale, tells her a terrible beast popped out of the lake and he heroically killed it and burned its remains that it would not blight the Rhinoceros Butte beach again. The lady looks suspiciously from Demo to his cocktail glass and back again. Then she says she always suspected there was something odd about that lake, shakes him by the hand, and walks off.

Demo is delighted.

 

12.33

Soldier is loudly singing La Marseillaise. Spy keeps having to feed him the lines, and his pronunciation is terrible, but he's damn well singing it. A lot of beach-goers are staring at him and wondering if he's French. They are also wondering why the skinny man in the balaclava beside him looks like he's about to cry laughing.

 

12.34

Engineer sees Soldier singing his heart out in what seems to be French. It doesn't surprise him to see Spy laughing his skinny ass off nearby. Heaven alone knowns how he managed to trick him into doing that, but Engie reckons there's going to be hell to pay if Soldier ever figures out what that song was.

 

12.35

Vengeance exacted, Spy sets off in the direction of the beach shops to try and find some sort of edible food.

 

12.40

Pyro is a bit bored. The beach is nice and all, but there isn't really anybody to play with. Sniper passes by, and asks if Pyro is okay. He hands Pyro his landing net and suggests he see if he can catch anything in the water. Pyro is delighted with this idea, as Sniper expected he would be. They can all remember what a fine time Pyro had playing with the sieve when Medic asked him to help out with that autopsy. It's more or less the same principle, though with less semi-digested food and fewer bone chunks.

 

12.43

Demo goes to the barbecue stand to buy some lunch. Sniper is there too, and they sit on the sand and eat their burgers together. Sniper tells Demo about the fish he caught and they discuss the fishing in Scottish lochs. Demo tells Sniper about the cocktails and suggests he try one called a Bushwacker, which sounds right up his street. Sniper tells Demo about how his parents make their own moonshine. Demo feels envious – his Mum never made _him_ caustic booze.

 

12.46

At the bottom of the headland on the western end of the beach, there are clusters of little pools worn into the rock, filled with water from where the lake sometimes laps over into them. There are lots of little frondy plants in them, and some small creatures, and quite a lot of litter. Pyro has set about exploring the pools as thoroughly as he can with the landing net.

 

12.48

Heavy goes to buy a sub from one of the food stands. The woman making the sandwiches is very precise, placing each slice of tomato and rectangle of cheese with great care. Heavy comments on her dedication to her task, and she regales him with stories from her many years as a sandwich maker, and the fools she has had to try and train, stupid young people who don't understand the venerated art form that is constructing a sandwich that won't squirt its contents out when bitten into. Heavy thinks she maybe needs some more things going on in her life other than sandwiches. He likes a sandwich that doesn't spill all over the place, sure, but he also has hobbies, and a non-sandwich related job. He's too well-mannered to say this though.

 

12.50

Spy returns to Beach Dad HQ and settles down on Demo's vacated towel to eat his sandwich. He and Medic eye one another warily, and then begin to make polite small talk. They always become oddly well-mannered around one another, in spite of the fact that they are both normally inclined to quite a high degree of dickishness. There is much confusion about this among the rest of the team, but Heavy has theorised that they are both aware of the fact that, given their respective pasts and nationalities as well as their high intelligence, any argument between them could turn into a huge and ongoing contention, which could impair the functionality of the team. Whether Heavy is correct in this or not, when left alone together, Medic and Spy will engage in extremely polite, bland conversation with one another, avoiding all topics that could possibly cause controversy.

 

12.53

Pyro finds a pool with several little pieces of silver wiggling about in it. He tries to catch some, but they are so small they go through the holes in his net. It's just as well, he supposes; silver has never really suited his complexion.

 

12.55

Scout has moved along the bar and is now chatting up a good looking woman in a purple halter neck bikini. She arrived with the college students, but she seems to be older than them. That's cool, Scout can dig the more mature woman. He's doing well with the small talk this time and seems to be really getting somewhere.

 

12.56

Medic and Spy are talking about the various sports they have seen people playing on the beach. Spy expresses disappointment that nobody else seems interested in boules. Medic mentions that he played boules with his relatives when he was younger, but on a lawn rather than a beach. After an awkward moment of quiet in which both men try to remember what social convention is, Spy asks Medic if he would like to play boules and Medic accepts.

 

12.58

The woman in the purple bikini points out Demo who is passing by, and asks Scout if they are friends. She then asks if Demo is single.

 

12.59

Scout leaves the bar area.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I'm being mean to Scout. I don't care. Don't worry, everybody will have a nice time at the beach eventually :D
> 
> Thanks everybody who has let me know what you think, I'm really pleased to hear it's going down well. And as always, if you want to leave me feedback, please do go ahead.


	6. Malaise, cheese, bicycles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scout decrees that boules isn't a real sport. It's too slow, and there appears to be far too much thinking going on. Denouncing it as a non-sporting leisure activity for old farts, he gets up to leave Beach Dad HQ, and is immediately struck in the back of the head by a wooden ball. Medic politely compliments Spy's throw.

13.00 [ _Back at RED, the Counselor has gathered the team and is making them do trust falls. This is an exercise to encourage feelings of trust and trustworthiness in groups of people by pairing them off and having one of each pair allow themselves to fall backwards towards their partner, who will catch them._

_The Counselor has explained this several times now, but the mercs don't seem to be getting it. Scout won't focus on the exercise. He seems upset at the fact that Miss Pauling, to make up numbers, has been paired with the one in the balaclava. The weird one in the gas mask doesn't seem to understand that he is only supposed to be catching his own partner, and keeps diving across the room to catch others, then aggressively cuddling them. The African American man keeps falling in the wrong direction. The one in the lab coat keeps letting his partner fall on the floor._

_The Counselor tries to explain one more time. When he's done, the one in the helmet announces loudly that he understands what he has to do._

_He then picks up Scout and throws him at the Counselor. He seems pleased with himself._ ]

 

13.02

Heavy sits on the sand in the comfortable shade of a headland, looking at the scenery in quiet contemplation. It's very peaceful and pretty here. The water is lapping. The birds are singing. It's lovely.

If only Miss Pauling had let him bring Sascha along, it would have been the perfect day.

 

13.06

Scout goes to the little hot dog shack to get some lunch. He runs into Soldier.

Scout complains to Soldier about girls and how weird they are. It seems astounding that all the girls he meets are part of the small minority who don't find him hot. The beach is possibly a meeting place for this month's gathering of the 'No Taste in Men' club.

 

13.07

Soldier complains to Scout about Spy. He has no idea what he just sang, only that it wasn't American. Spy probably had him singing some sort of salacious, dirty French drinking song about lingerie and cheese and bicycles.

Scout is having a hard time trying to work out how to make cheese and bicycles into a salacious drinking song, even with the lingerie in the mix. Even in French, a language in which everything sounds kind of dirty.

 

13.09

Intrigued by the many tiny denizens of the rock pools, Pyro decides to fetch his bucket in order to catch some of them. He returns to Beach Dad HQ and picks up his bucket, then lingers a moment watching Spy and Medic take a number of coloured balls out of a net bag and arrange them on the sand. Medic calls out to Pyro with a warning about heat stroke. Pyro thinks that sounds like it would feel nice, and wanders off.

 

13.11

Engie goes to the barbecue stand and is shocked. The guy in charge of the grill is doing it all wrong. Engie tries to explain to him that you just shouldn't put a raw burger that close to the hottest part of the flame. The barbecue stand guy disagrees. Engie gets riled up.

 

13.12

Scout eats his hot dog bitterly, wondering why nobody seems to be attracted to him when he's obviously so hot. There's a guy in bright yellow shorts with a really serious tan watching him eat his hot dog, intently. Really staring, especially when he swallows, and just before he takes a bite. The guy licks his lips. Maybe he's hungry. Weird. Scout ignores him and goes back to wondering what kind of person is going to find him attractive.

 

13.14

Spy and Medic are still being weirdly polite at each other. Spy has won the first game of boules and politely suggests that Medic would have done better at the game if it hadn't been his first time playing on sand. Medic politely accepts this comment and asks Spy about his bowling grip. Spy politely demonstrates his grip. Medic politely observes.

 

13.15

Engie and the barbecue stand guy are having a shouting match. People are staring.

 

13.17

Sniper, feeling a little at a loose end, remembers that he brought an old rifle scope with him. He decides to get it and find a good spot to engage in one of his favourite pass times; people watching. He approaches Beach Dad HQ, and is immediately a little freaked out by all the politeness going on.

 

13.18

Spy and Medic see Sniper dump several fish into the cooler, then take his rifle scope out of the roll of canvas he brought with him. They ask him what he wants it for. He shrugs and replies that he wants to look around at things that are far away. He wanders off and Spy and Medic roll their eyes at his pointless idea of a pass-time. They then resume their game of rolling balls towards other balls.

 

13.20

Heavy has seen one of the college students reading a copy of Brave New World. He loves that book.

For her part, the college student is very relieved when she realises that the extremely large, intense looking man is staring at her book rather than at her.

 

13.21

Soldier runs into the group of body builders, who are loudly discussing push ups while striking poses. Push ups are pretty much Soldier's third favourite thing, after America and killing REDs, so he decides to join in. The body builders are resistant to Soldier's presence, as they don't take well to being yelled at. It's okay, this old war dog knows how to settle their hash.

 

13.23

Engie has managed to cool down and bring the barbecue stand guy around to his way of thinking. He shows him the proper way to do it, and explains the principles of heat transference at play. The barbecue stand guy is actually kind of impressed at Engie's knowledge. He gives him a free burger.

 

13.25

Scout is moping. All his failures of the day are piling up on him, and he can't stop thinking about Miss Pauling. If he can't even get most girls to talk to him, how is he ever going to get Miss Pauling, the ultimate girl, to go on a date with him? Most of the time he just clams up when he tries to talk to her. Now he's stuck at the beach all day, while she's back at the base, probably lonely, maybe thinking about calling some guy who isn't Scout and who won't treat her right.

Thing about Miss Pauling is, she's a total bad ass. Most guys get intimidated by that shit and try to make girls tone it down, which is totally unfair. Scout wouldn't do that to her. He likes that she's a bad ass. She's like a tiny, pretty Batman. But a girl. Like, Bat Woman, maybe. And he's never seen her swing between sky-scrapers on a rope, but she probably could if she wanted to. She's got pretty good upper body strength, for all that she's kind of thin.

Scout continues to mope his way along the beach.

 

13.27

Soldier has the body builders doing push ups. Their girlfriends too. The girls are doing better than he expected, but the guys are a disappointment. Their form is bad, and one of them keeps crying when Soldier kicks him.

 

13.28

Heavy and the student are having a chat. She is studying for a degree in literature, and would like to work in publishing. They have similar taste in fiction overall, but her course covers only books originally written in the English language, which Heavy considers a gross misrepresentation of literature as a whole. He recommends some Russian novels which he believes will work well in translation. She recommends some works of science fiction to him.

 

13.30

Demo returns to the bar and buys himself a Pink Squirrel. This is a cocktail comprising crème de noyaux, crème de cacao, and heavy cream. The barman tells him that he is the only man who has ever ordered so many cocktails from him, and asks if he is on a dare. Demo assures him that he is secure enough in his masculinity to enjoy a nice little lightweight drink every now and then.

 

13.33

Pyro has managed to catch something. It's an odd sort of fish that he has never seen before. It is long and tube shaped and mostly see through, and it doesn't have any fins. It also appears to be hollow, apart from something squishy in...oh wait, he does know what this is. It's not a fish, but he can remember Medic telling him about them as if they were very important. He doesn't remember what it's for, but Medic showed him how to put one on a banana. There are no bananas in sight though, so he throws it back.

 

13.35

Scout shows up at Beach Dad HQ. There is some manner of ball sport going on and he feels it might take his mind off his malaise. He shouts that he will play the winner and settles down to watch.

 

13.38

Scout decrees that boules isn't a real sport. It's too slow, and there appears to be far too much thinking going on. Denouncing it as a non-sporting leisure activity for old farts, he gets up to leave Beach Dad HQ, and is immediately struck in the back of the head by a wooden ball. Medic politely compliments Spy's throw.

 

13.39

Sniper decides that the best place to people watch from would be up on one of the headlands, so he goes over to the spot where he was fishing earlier and starts climbing up the rocks. He could have walked to the parking lot and up the gently sloping path that leads there, but that would be dull. He likes climbing and, even in his flip-flops, is quite good at it. He will happily tell anyone who will listen about the time he had to climb the top three stories of a Tokyo skyscraper, from a balcony to the roof, in order to get a clean shot at a target. The climbing part of that story is entirely true, though the bit about the Geishas and the hosepipe is probably made up.

 

13.41

Soldier has lined up the body builders and is telling them off about their poor discipline. He asks them what they were thinking, exercising in such a stupid way. They could have gotten into real shape. Instead they've just made themselves all pretty.

 

13.44

It's getting very hot out now, so Demo has taken his Pink Squirrel and gone for a wade in the lake to cool off. He spends pleasant minutes enjoying the lovely scenery of the beach from this angle. He can see the treeline and the birds flying by, the fluffy white clouds and the brilliant blue sky, the smoothly-rising rocky headlands and the long waving grass on top of them. And he can see the Sniper, clambering up one of the headlands like a monkey. He wonders briefly what the hell Sniper is doing, then recalls that he always seems to be at his happiest when he is lurking somewhere high up.

 

13.45

Heavy and the literature student have identified Kafka as the point at which their reading tastes and experiences converge. It's too pleasant and relaxing a day to discuss Kafka in any real depth though, so the conversation turns to what sort of bug they'd want to be if they were turned into bugs.

 

13.47

Engie is looking at the row of stalls and shops and wondering where their electricity is coming from. He has a good look at the backs of all the little shacks and figures out that they each have a conduit leading from them to a shed which, presumably, houses either a generator or a step down transformer running off the mains. Surely nobody will mind if he takes a little look-see.

 

13.50

Soldier finally leaves the body builders alone. Most of them are mad at him. One of them is seriously thinking about joining the army.

 

13.53

Sniper has reached the top of the headland and settled down in a patch of scrubby grass. He adjusts the lens of his scope and settles down to peer at people in a totally not creepy manner.

 

13.55

Pyro has caught a crab. It's tiny and pinky-yellow, with lots of delicate legs, and beady little eyes on stalks. It's so cute and dinky that it makes Pyro feel happy all over.

The crab is so apocalyptically angry, it would kill everyone on the beach given the chance. Anything to make Pyro let go of its leg.

 

13.56

Heavy is feeling too hot on the beach, and decides to go for another swim. More people are in the water now and it's a bit trickier to get any real speed up, so he swims further out to get a bit of space.

 

13.58

Soldier runs into Pyro, who is still catching crabs. The crabs are really funny to look at. They're so damn angry! They remind him of Nazi officers. And his room-mate. And just about every police officer he's ever run into. So damn angry!

 

13.59

Scout has met a cute girl who likes him. This is good. It's not quite what he was hoping for though, as she's five years old.

Her name is Mitzi. She was brought to the beach by her parents, who want to lie on beach towels and read boring paperback novels, and she has nobody to play with. She has curly ginger hair and freckles, and is dressed in a pink bathing suit with a little tutu skirt attached to it, and yellow spectacles with fake rhinestones on the corners of the frames.

She is the cutest damn thing.

(Scout has not figured out that she has picked him as a playmate because she thinks he is another kid.)

She wants Scout to help her dig a hole in the sand. No reason, she just wants there to be a hole in the sand.

Scout is powerless to resist her demands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny story; when I was at university studying for my English Literature degree, I was having a discussion about sexual liberation in literature with a group of other students, and one of the girls says 'I think Brave New World got it right. I can't wait for the world to be just like it is in that book. It's inevitable, we're already heading for it.'  
> We all just stared at her in shock because...shit, that's a horrible thought.  
> Turned out, she hadn't ever read Brave New World, just heard some other people talking about how everyone has sex with whoever they like, and decided it sounded cool and she could make us think she was clever by bringing it up.  
> Read the whole damn book, Nicola! (She did eventually and it made her all agitated)
> 
> Also, am I the only one whose family took a set of boules to the beach when they were kids? It was one of my fave beach passtimes. Ah, youth.


	7. No Butt Jokes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soldier drops by Beach Dad HQ and sees Spy and Medic playing their weird little wooden ball game. It's good to see the French and the Germans are getting along again. It only took him about 8,000 rounds of ammo, a few hundred RPGs, twenty five years and a trip to the beach to broker world peace. He feels he's done good.

14.00 [ _Back at RED, the Counselor is trying to get the mercs to connect with their emotions. He has them all sitting in a circle on the floor and is burning some incense to create a sharing atmosphere. He asks the large Russian man how he feels about his family. The Russian replies with some bragging about his gun. The Counselor writes in his notes that he has confidence issues._

_He asks the short man in the goggles about his feelings on the concept of Weltschmerz. The short man replies that he doesn't know what that means. The Counselor writes in his notes that he is of low intelligence._

_He asks the French man in the balaclava if he feels he has a good self image. The French man replies that he thinks he is absolutely ideal. The Counselor writes in his notes that he seems well adjusted._

_A lot of the mercs seem rather annoyed with him and he isn't sure why. Once he's done helping them, he's sure they'll all be a lot happier for it._ ]

 

14.03

Demo wades in the shallows until he gets to the little cluster of rock pools near one of the headlands. Pyro is there, ankle deep in the water, playing with a landing net. He seems remarkably happy, given that he usually doesn't like water. Demo asks what he's doing and Pyro shows him his plastic bucket, which currently contains a little water and sand, and several small but very active crabs. Demo tells him he's lucky to have only ever caught that one type of crab.

 

14.06

Heavy is floating on his back in the lake. He's very buoyant, and feels quite comfortable just lying in the water. It's very peaceful.

 

14.07

Sniper is keeping an eye out for his team mates. Spy and Medic are still playing their bowling game. Demo and Pyro are right down the other end of the beach messing about in some little pools. For a second, he thinks that a polar bear is in the lake, but no; it's just Heavy. That bloke needs to get himself a tan.

 

14.11

Engie has opened the door to the shed and found the generator. It's in a sorry state. Wires are tangled, insulation is corroding, the rotor is gummed up with grime, and frankly whoever installed the whole thing must have had their head up their ass.

 

14.13

Medic has finally won a game of boules. Spy politely claims that he cannot remember how many rounds they have played, though they both know that Spy is winning 4-1. Medic politely doesn't call him on it.

 

14.18

Soldier drops by Beach Dad HQ and sees Spy and Medic playing their weird little wooden ball game. It's good to see the French and the Germans are getting along again. It only took him about 8,000 rounds of ammo, a few hundred RPGs, twenty five years and a trip to the beach to broker world peace. He feels he's done good.

 

14.23

Sniper has seen a zone-tailed hawk. He mistook it for a vulture at first, but it's definitely a hawk. He's starting to wish he had brought a camera. He wonders if it's a bit sad and middle aged of him that he's sitting spotting birds on his day of leave. Then again, he usually spends his days off napping and playing cards, so at least bird spotting is a bit more constructive, and more likely to be approved of by his Mum.

 

14.25

Having studied the generator carefully, Engie is pretty sure he could improve it in every aspect with just the stuff he has in his pockets. Of course, the stuff he routinely carries in his pockets includes a pen knife, duct tape, copper wire and a current meter, but still.

 

14.28

Scout and Mitzi have been digging for some time and decide to take a drink break. They head into the nearest one of the little shops and buy juice boxes. Scout has never gotten the hang of these, and usually ends up with orange juice all over his hands. Mitzi is precocious though, and helps him put the straw through the little foil thing without incident.

 

14.30

Demo wanders into the little beach shop and browses the tacky souvenirs. Whoever designed the products on display seems to have made every joke possible about rhinoceroses, but not one butt joke. He spots Scout struggling with a drink carton with the aid of a small child. He also notices a small shelf of jars full of jelly beans. Not just any jelly beans however, even though they look perfectly normal. These jelly beans are super-hot habanero pepper flavour. Demo purchases a jar with mischievous intent.

 

14.36

Spy and Medic tire of boules and decide to call it a day. The final score is 5-2 to Spy. While they are putting the boules back into the bag, Spy tells Medic the tale of Soldier's forfeit, which Medic finds very amusing.

 

14.39

Heavy's peaceful swim is disturbed somewhat when two guys in a canoe row by. They splash him pretty thoroughly with their oars, then stop moving when they realise he's there. They both stare at him. Then they start splashing again, deliberately this time, and jeer him. It seems they think they can get away with this behaviour because he is, they believe, too 'husky' to retaliate.

 

14.40

Sniper sees Heavy flip a canoe. The two blokes in it fall out and Heavy pushes their heads underwater, waits for them to pop up again, and appears to yell at them. Sniper can't tell why Heavy is so upset with them, but they probably did something to deserve it.

 

14.42

The people in the stalls along the beach notice the lights dim, go out for a second, and then come back on, rather brighter and more steady than before.

 

14.43

Engie wanders out of the shed, feeling smug.

 

14.45

Heavy is swimming around again. The two guys from before got back into their canoe, eventually. They hurt their balls pretty badly trying to get over the edges of it though, and Heavy threw their oars away, so they are having to make their way back to shore by paddling with their hands. Heavy has had it with people getting on his case about his body today. He isn't too anything, thank you very much.

 

14.47

Spy and Medic are talking about their childhood beach trips. Spy had relatives in Normandy, with whom he would spend a week or two every summer. They lived near a rocky stretch of the coast, and he and his cousin had a wonderful time exploring the sand dunes and the low cliffs and the many little bays dotted around.

Medic's family had owned a summer home on Usedom Island, which they went to two or three times a year. His parents, who were very old-fashioned and conservative in their ways, would not allow him to visit the beach less than fully dressed, and didn't approve of sea bathing. However, he went there on his own or with friends a few times in his teens and delighted in defying them by going swimming, and walking on the beach barefoot.

Despite the conversation having touched on Normandy and politically conservative Germans, they have managed not to mention the war or start any arguments.

 

14.49

Sniper has seen some stripy little magnolia warblers in the trees on the other side of the parking lot. Then he notices some young people having a sneaky smoke of something that doesn't look like tobacco, right beneath where the birds are perching. He hopes the birds don't get passively stoned.

 

14.50

Scout and Mitzi have finished digging a hole of truly epic proportions. They have been standing on the edge of it, staring into it, for some minutes, trying to figure out what they could use it for. They haven't come up with anything.

 

14.51

Demo runs into Soldier and offers him some jelly beans from his newly purchased jar. Soldier takes a couple, puts them in his mouth, chews for about ten seconds, then goes absolutely still and very red in the face.

 

14.52

Demo runs away from Soldier, laughing.

 

14.54

Medic and Spy are both feeling a little nostalgic. Both of them lost a lot to the war, and to time. It's saddening.

Thankfully, they are both broken out of their state of uneasy reverie by the sight of Soldier rushing headlong into the lake and, as far as they can tell, attempting to drink it, in between bouts of angry, incoherent yelling. This cheers both of them considerably.

 

14.57

Pyro returns to Beach Dad HQ, sets his bucket down and carefully puts its lid on. He still has Sniper's landing net, and asks Medic if he knows where Sniper is so he can give it back to him. Medic looks around, but can't see Sniper, so he tells Pyro to just leave it on top of Sniper's other things. Pyro does so and leaves.

It doesn't occur to Medic to look inside the bucket. In the short term, this is probably for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elements of this story may have been inspired by my good friend LapisLazuli sending me a Christmas parcel which included a jar of habanero jelly beans, and consequently the gaming con I took the jar to and made lots of people turn red in the face and chase cackling, evil me :D
> 
> Also, people who are following this, sorry for this chapter being a bit late. I've had really bad flu and this is the first time in several days I've been able to sit up and look at the screen without coming over all faint. I'll try and get the next one up tomorrow.


	8. Cougars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sniper has just seen Scout get kicked in the face by a small child dressed as a ballerina. He can't quite tell why, but figures that she probably had a good reason.

15.00 [ _Back at RED, Demoman has the Counselor in a full nelson. The Counselor is struggling and trying to escape, but his well meant yet poorly thought-out organic alfalfa diet has failed to build much in the way of muscle, and he's too weedy to make any impact. Soldier has a pair of hair clippers in one hand and is trying to hold the Counselor's head still with the other. None of the three have noticed Miss Pauling approaching them with a rolled up magazine in her hand and a mean look in her eye._ ]

 

15.00

Pyro sees Scout playing with a little tooth fairy. It's nice that he's found a friend. Most people can't even see tooth fairies, even when they hide on top of the refrigerator during breakfast. Maybe she can do something about Scout's buck teeth while she's here. Oh no, wait; she's at the beach, so it must be her day off.

 

15.01

Spy says farewell to Medic and goes for another walk along the beach. It occurs to him that walking along beaches is a lot less interesting as an adult than it was when he was a boy, and wishes he had someone amusing to talk to.

 

15.02

Picking up one of his journals, Medic sees Soldier grab a pair of black jeans – Demo's, he thinks – from the nearby piles of clothing and run off along the beach with them, cackling.

He elects not to get involved.

 

15.04

Demo noticed the lights in the stalls flicker a while ago, but assumes it's the effect of the cocktails. Engie wanders over to him, looking pleased with himself. Demo offers him some jelly beans.

 

15.05

Heavy, still swimming, stops dead mid-stroke, having glimpsed a flash of light which, in the field, usually means abrupt death. However, this time he isn't in the field, so it's harmless, right? He looks around for what caused it and realised that it actually was the glare from a scope – he can see Sniper sitting up on the headland. He doesn't have the rifle to go with it though, and besides, it's his own team's Sniper. It's all good. Heavy remains chilled.

 

15.06

Spy strolls along the beach. Instead of his angry pacing of this morning, he is actually rather enjoying the walk. The sand is soft and the lake is pretty, and he feels quite relaxed. Still though, if only he had some enjoyable company.

 

15.07

Engie and Demo are laughing together about the joke jelly beans. Demo is wiping tears from his eyes. So is Engie, but for very different reasons. He may be all good humour on the outside, but unbeknownst to Demo, Engie is secretly planning terrible prank retribution on Demo once they get back to base.

 

15.09

Spy has been stalked by cougars. No, not the big cats. These cougars are two ladies of around fifty years of age who like flirting shamelessly with any good looking man who doesn't actively run away from them. Spy is perfectly happy to be flirted with, and naturally gives as good as he gets. He charms the pants (figuratively) off Gilda and Clarice, and they all go off to get a drink together.

 

15.11

Sniper sees an impressively large dragonfly. He hopes it doesn't go too close to Pyro. He remembers the trouble they had when Pyro saw a dragonfly outside the base and decided he wanted to try and ride on its back. Pyro sometimes doesn't understand the difference between 'small' and 'far away'.

 

15.12

Pyro sees another jellyfish on the very edge of the lake. He isn't sure if it's the same one from before, but he gives it a good scolding all the same, then flips it back into the water. Given that this jellyfish was still alive, it's very grateful to Pyro, but he will never know.

 

15.14

Scout is teaching Mitzi how to do a cartwheel. He's holding her spectacles because she's worried about them falling into the sand and getting scratched. It's a valid fear, as she has face-planted several times already. She just gets up and gives it another try though, which is admirable.

She can sort of manage it if Scout picks up one of her feet and gives her a bit of a push, but she really wants to do it for herself.

 

15.15

Sniper has just seen Scout get kicked in the face by a small child dressed as a ballerina. He can't quite tell why, but figures that she probably had a good reason.

 

15.17

Engie goes and buys a beer to get the taste of the evil jelly bean out of his mouth. As he's sitting on the sand drinking it, he sees Soldier go running past with a pair of pants trailing out behind him like a banner. He's pretty sure those aren't Soldier's pants.

 

15.19

Medic is reading an article about medically induced explosive diarrhoea. The scientists who wrote it don't appear to have had any reason for having induced the condition beyond wanting to see if it was possible, an attitude with which Medic can empathise. All the same, he is becoming a little bored of the journals.

 

15.22

Soldier is stumped for something to do with Demo's jeans, now that he has successfully stolen them. He considers putting them on, but then nobody would be able to see his trunks, and somebody might mistake him for a not-American or, even worse, a civilian. He supposes he could hide them somewhere.

 

15.23

A dog runs up to Sniper and licks him. Sniper decides not to mind, as he's fond of dogs and it's very friendly. It appears to be part border collie, though Sniper can't identify what other breed might have gone into its creation. It settles down on the grass next to Sniper and begins the slow process of trying to insinuate itself into his lap, apparently convinced that if it moves gradually enough, he won't notice.

 

15.25

Heavy returns to his towel and dries off. Medic chats with him a little, and he tells him about the canoe, which Medic finds amusing. Medic has put down his journals, neatly arranged underneath his bird skull. He has found, on top of the pile of Engie's belongings, a copy of the local newspaper which must have been delivered to the base early that morning. He is sure that Engie won't mind him borrowing it, and settles down to read the Teufort Tattletale.

 

15.26

Soldier has discovered the perfect place to hide Demo's jeans. Nobody will ever find them here.

 

15.28

Mitzi has mastered the cartwheel. Scout's jaw is only a little sore from where she accidentally kicked him. He suggests they get ice-cream to celebrate.

 

15.31

Spy, Gilda, and Clarice are sitting at the bar enjoying a double entente laden conversation, when Clarice's eye is caught by the Medic, who she thinks is good looking. Spy tells her a few choice, highly comedic anecdotes about the Medic, and Clarice abandons any romantic notions about him. To further lighten the mood, Spy goes on to tell a few choice anecdotes about Scout, which the ladies very much enjoy. It's such fun to laugh at ridiculous young people.

 

15.33

Engie sees Spy chatting with two mature ladies at the bar. They are both loudly and glamorously dressed, and they keep touching Spy on his thighs and laughing extravagantly at anything anybody in their little group says. Engie isn't the sort of man to question what a lady chooses to do with her time, but he does wonder briefly why they singled out the only guy on the beach wearing a balaclava.

 

15.36

Demo runs into Pyro, who is poking the lake with a stick. He gives Pyro a handful of jelly beans, which Pyro somehow manages to get into his mouth without actually taking his mask off. Pyro enjoys the jelly beans, and thanks him. Demo is disappointed, but doesn't say anything.

 

15.37

Pyro thinks Demo's candy tastes like sparkles. Good sparkles, not the evil kind.

 

15.39

Soldier decides to buy himself an ice cream to celebrate his success in both world peace and revenge against Demo's devil beans.

 

15.42

Gilda is telling Spy and Clarice about her son who is a lawyer. He is planning his wedding, but Gilda doesn't like his fiancée, whom she believes is a gold-digger. Spy suggests she plant things like men's underwear and little notes in masculine handwriting in the girl's purse and car for her son to find. That should break them up. Gilda and Clarice stare at him in astonishment. Then they fling themselves at him and embrace him. It seems he has substantially impressed them with his savviness.

 

15.45

Heavy has laid down on his towel and is tempted to have a little snooze.

 

15.47

Scout and Mitzi are sitting on the sand eating ice cream cones. Mitzi wants to know if Scout is old enough to do various things, and seems to have an endless stream of questions on this theme. It seems that five-year olds don't have much frame of reference for age beyond a certain point. Scout confirms that he is old enough to: watch movies with kissing; smoke; and walk all the way to the park by himself. He also confirms that he is too old to go to elementary school and use crayons, but not so old he isn't allowed to watch cartoons. He admits that he is old enough to drive but can't because he doesn't have a license. Mitzi wants to know what kind of car he would get if he could drive. Scout would like a Chevrolet Camaro. Mitzi would like a purple car that can fly.

 

15.49

Sniper's new dog friend is about a quarter of the way into his lap and he's trying to decide if he should let it know he has noticed it moving, when its owner turns up. It's owner is a jolly old man who is relieved to have found his dog. He sits down on the headland too. Sniper doesn't mind him being there, but if _he_ starts trying to insinuate himself into Sniper's lap, there's going to be trouble.

 

15.52

Soldier is at the ice cream stand, but he has discovered he has one more task to complete before he can relax with cold dairy treats. The guy working at the ice cream stand must be warned about his terrible girl hair. It makes him look like a girl! He has to cut it! Soldier won't leave him alone until he agrees to get it cut!

 

15.54

Spy is writing a love note for Gilda to plant on her future-no-longer-future daughter-in-law. He rubs a little of his cologne on the paper. Gilda tells him he's a perfect darling. Clarice agrees. So does Spy.

 

15.57

Turns out, the guy working at the ice cream stand? The one with the terrible girl hair? Is a girl. Soldier purchases a cone of rum raisin and goes on his merry way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There can never be enough jelly bean pranks in the world.   
> And you can't call it a proper day at the beach without meeting a friendly dog, at least in my book :)


	9. Flirty Librarian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having grown bored of making sand angels, Pyro is making sand devils. This is done by making a sand angel while thinking evil thoughts about destruction and cruelty. This does not come easily to Pyro though, so he compromises by making a sand angel and then drawing little horns on its head with his finger.

16.00 [ _Back at RED, Miss Pauling has put Demoman and Soldier in time out. They are standing in diagonally opposite corners of the briefing room, facing the walls, thinking about what they've done. Demoman keeps getting the giggles. Soldier is steaming angry about his failure to destroy the Counselor's terrible girl hair. Miss Pauling is sitting at the conference table, typing with unnecessary aggression. Scout is sitting opposite her, ostensibly 'helping', actually staring dopily. In the rec room, the Counselor has, with Miss Pauling's help, gathered the rest of the team, and is trying to facilitate a group discussion on career satisfaction. The mercs are surreptitiously betting on who can make him cry first. Smart money's on the Medic; the Counselor's squeamish._ ]

 

16.01

Medic is trying to read an article on the Teufort Police's decision to legalise streaking in order to cut down on the carrying of concealed weapons. However, Heavy has started snoring, which is distracting him. In an effort to make him stop, he toes off one of his shoes, places the sole of his foot on Heavy's stomach, and gives him a jiggle.

Surprisingly, this works.

 

16.03

Pyro has discovered that sand has some of the same properties as snow, and is lying on his back making sand angels.

 

16.04

Strolling along the beach with his beer, Engie hears guitar music. He didn't bring his own guitar along, for fear that one of his esteemed colleagues would do something childish to it. He follows the music to see who's playing.

 

16.06

Sniper's new dog friend's owner is an avid bird watcher and wants to hear about the birds Sniper saw. He explains that there are a lot of rare birds in the park, and he has seen most of them over the years. He's quite pleasant to talk with.

The dog is now two fifths into Sniper's lap.

 

16.07

Gilda and Clarice are getting ready to leave the beach, as they have a long drive home and they're both kinda tipsy. Spy walks them to their car carrying their beach bags, and they thoroughly kiss his face as they say goodbye.

Spy walks back to the bar with a glow in his face, completely invisible beneath the generous layer of lipstick the visible parts of his face are now coated with.

 

16.10

Demo returns to Beach Dad HQ and puts his jelly beans with the rest of his stuff. They've reached the limit of amusement they're able to provide for now, but he has high hopes for future shenanigans. Medic asks him about them and Demo tells him what he's been doing. Medic laughs, then gets a very alert sort of look on his face. He starts talking about how people never notice most of the additives that go into their food. Deciding he's better off not knowing about this for the sake of his peace of mind at mealtimes, Demo leaves Medic to it and heads for the bar.

 

16.12

Having grown bored of making sand angels, Pyro is making sand devils. This is done by making a sand angel while thinking evil thoughts about destruction and cruelty. This does not come easily to Pyro though, so he compromises by making a sand angel and then drawing little horns on its head with his finger.

 

16.15

The guitarist Engie heard is a young woman, sitting with two of her friends. They all have very long hair and are wearing droopy clothes. Engie is pretty sure one of them is male, but it's hard to say for certain. If Mr Hale saw him talking to hippies, he would probably get written up, but he's going to risk it. He compliments the woman on her playing and the hippies happily launch into a discussion on music.

 

16.17

Mitzi and Scout are in the shallow water, trying to stamp on fish. The little silver fish always swoosh out of the way before they can get stepped on, but it's fun splashing about. Scout looks up from the water to see a gorgeous woman in a tube top and shorts checking him out. She's gorgeous on the same level as Nichelle Nichols, Miss Pauling and that pipe wrench chick on the calendar in Engie's workroom. He tries to flex a little, give her something worthwhile to look at, but then Mitzi barrels into him and he has to grab her by the back of her swimsuit to stop her from belly-flopping into the water.

 

16.18

Soldier sees some gulls looking shifty. Shiftiness does not sit well with him. He yells at the gulls until they go away.

 

16.19

Medic notices that Heavy is starting to turn rather red. He attempts to wake him to make him put on more sunblock, but Heavy sleeps like a rock, and doesn't hear Medic calling to him.

 

16.21

A birdwatcher shows up and yells at Soldier about yelling at the birds. Soldier yells back. The birdwatcher is surprisingly loud. They are scaring away more birds.

 

16.22

Pyro is making sand mercenaries. This is done by making sand angels (a good, solid base for all types of sand persons) and adding weapons, hats, and stink lines as needed.

 

16.23

Mitzi has spotted the woman in the tube top and rushed over to her. She is Mitzi's Aunt Kelly, who has arrived to spend the afternoon with the family. Mitzi wants to introduce Scout to her, but Aunt Kelly looks at him with suspicion. Did she think that Scout had unsavoury intentions towards Mitzi? He hopes not. He prefers to make a good impression on hot women. Plus, it would be really horrible for anybody to think that about him. He has to try and turn this situation around.

 

16.25

Medic gets up and tries to shake Heavy by the shoulder, but Heavy sweeps one arm out and knocks Medic's feet out from under him. Annoyed, Medic observes that Heavy is still soundly asleep. Very, very soundly asleep.

 

16.26

Soldier's argument with the birdwatcher ends when she sees an interesting bird in the distance and rushes off. Soldier, feeling that he's won the argument, decides to keep his eyes peeled for more gulls, in case they need to be told what's what.

 

16.30

The dog owner asks Sniper about his telescope, and Sniper explains that it's actually a rifle scope. He lets the old man have a look through it, and he is suitably impressed. They talk for a while about hunting. The dog owner used to shoot rabbits when he was younger, but hasn't bothered with hunting for years. Sniper tells him about shooting dingos when he was a kid, and his various travels in African and South Asian game reserves. The old man is very impressed.

The dog is now half way into Sniper's lap.

 

16.34

Spy is at the bar once again. A rather drunk woman in a bathing suit tells him he has a nice ass. Now, that's just not a polite way to open a conversation, even if your intention is to flirt (and even though it's absolutely true). The woman then launches into a barrage of complaints about her husband being emotionally unavailable and their daughter hanging out with some tall kid all day and not wanting to hear what Mommy thought of her hair. As politely as he can, Spy takes his Martini and edges along the bar until he is far enough from her that she would have to move to talk to him. Aaaand...yes! The gamble paid off. She's way too drunk to get down from the stool she's sitting on. Spy can enjoy his cocktail in peace.

 

16.36

Pyro makes sand accountants. This is done by lying still in the sand until there is a boring imprint. Pyro has never met an accountant who was interesting in any way.

 

16.39

The three hippies Engie met are an amateur folk band. As well as the guitarist, the other lady is a fiddle player, and the one that might be a man is a 'free-form percussionist', which as far as Engie can tell, means he hits any nearby solid objects with drumsticks until somebody stops him. They seem like nice folks, even if their idea of music is very different to his.

 

16.41

Demo returns to Beach Dad HQ with a flirty librarian. This is not a cocktail, but a lady who works as a librarian and enjoys hitting on good-looking men. In fact, she is the lady in the purple bikini, who asked Scout about Demo earlier. She kept her eyes peeled for an opportunity to speak with him. Her name is Noreen, and she works at the college that the students hail from. She is here as their chaperone; they don't really need one, but it's a condition of them being permitted to use the college's minibus.

Demo introduces Noreen to Medic, who manages to let the 'so charming he'll convince you to take part in experimental surgery' part of his personality rise to the fore, and greets her very pleasantly.

Noreen and Demo both have glasses of Long Island Iced Tea, a cocktail comprising a number of different shots of spirits, finished with lemon juice and cola. They are going for a stroll along the beach together.

 

16.44

With the accountants, Pyro has now represented, in sand form, every occupation he is aware of; angels, devils, mercenaries and accountants. As far as he is concerned, there are no other...wait...no, those are the only jobs that people can have. He isn't sure about Miss Pauling. She dresses like an accountant, but he suspects she may be a mercenary. Or an angel, if what Scout says is to be trusted.

 

16.46

Sniper and the dog owner are talking about dogs. The dog owner has always kept at least one dog, and gets most of his pets from rescue centres. Sniper tells him about the cattle dogs they used to have when he was a kid, to help herd and protect their livestock. Conversation turns to the dog at hand, who's non-border collie half is known only to be 'sneaky male dog good at jumping over fences'.

The dog is now five eights into Sniper's lap.

 

16.49

Scout and Mitzi have shown Aunt Kelly the hole they dug. Since they left it, somebody has thrown a pair of black jeans into it. Who would do a stupid thing like that? Aunt Kelly still isn't entirely sure about Scout.

 

16.52

Pyro has pulled some weeds out of the lake and dragged them onto the sand. He has decided to use the weeds to make a picture.

 

16.55

Engie has been teaching his new guitarist buddy a couple of tunes he likes. In return, she has taught him some song about herbs and a market place and some guy who needs a new shirt but can't sew, or something. He isn't sure, folk music isn't his cup of tea.

 

16.57

Heavy wakes up feeling a little sore, and looks down at himself to see that he has gotten a bit sunburned. No big deal, just a touch of redness. However, it appears that somebody has gotten creative with some sunblock while he was asleep. It takes him a moment to work out what has been drawn on his chest, as he is looking at it upside-down. It appears to be a crudely constructed frowny face, like this;

>: (

Only not on it's side. The person or persons unknown who did this may have just invented the emoticon.

Heavy looks around to see if the culprit is nearby. The only one of his team who is in sight is Medic, and he is asleep in his deckchair.

 

16.58

Medic is pretending to be asleep in his deckchair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I see a lot of people in the fandom saying that Demo doesn't get enough love, so I took it upon myself to introduce him to Noreen. Please read nothing into the fact that I am also a librarian and currently in possession of a purple bikini...  
> I met a guy who claimed to be a free form percussionist once, and that is the closest I've ever come to getting into an actual fist fight with somebody. Don't drum on a stranger's car, shoes, or arm, people. It's liable to get you an angry librarian all up in your face.  
> And the song the guitarist tried to teach Engie about the thing with the shirt and the herbs? It was [Scarborough Fair](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ty_TFmL05s0), by Simon and Garfunkel.  
> And please note, not all accountants are boring. Some of them are very lovely and sweet and named Kizzia and I heart them.


	10. Sand in Uncomfortable Places

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spy is chatting to the bartender about annoying people. The bartender tells him about this kid who was there earlier this morning trying and failing to pick up girls. He's pretty sure the kid had a fake ID because no way was he old enough to drink. Spy thinks he might just know who that was.

17.00 [ _Back at RED, Miss Pauling is walking the Counselor back to his car. He's in tears, still (since Medic spent twenty minutes lecturing him on possible catastrophic and unpredictable failures of the vascular system, thus winning the bet). He seems to think of Miss Pauling as a sympathetic ear. Miss Pauling is less than delighted with this turn of events and just wants him to get back in his flowery car and leave the base so she can go and calm the mercs down. She tells him he's done very well and that she's sure the mercs will be much more effective now. He takes her at her word and leaves._ ]

 

17.02

Demo and Noreen are having a nice, uncomplicated stroll, chatting companionably. She has been telling him about the comparative values of different non-fiction cataloguing systems when applied to a college topic library. He has been telling her about the history of the Battle of Bannockburn. Demo can't really work up any enthusiasm for the Sears system, and Noreen doesn't really care about the Scots kicking the collective arse of the English. However, they are having an enjoyable time all the same.

 

17.05

Medic pretends to wake up. He notices the frowny face on Heavy's chest and innocently asks about it. Heavy says he does not know who did it. Medic expresses mild surprise.

 

17.07

Spy is chatting to the bartender about annoying people. The bartender tells him about this kid who was there earlier this morning trying and failing to pick up girls. He's pretty sure the kid had a fake ID because no way was he old enough to drink. Spy thinks he might just know who that was.

 

17.09

Engie says goodbye to the folk band. He still isn't certain of all of their genders, but they're nice people, and he can see Soldier heading towards them, so he'd better make sure they don't encounter each other.

 

17.10

Soldier was going to go and see what those three weird looking chicks were doing, but then he ran into Engie, who told him he was worried about their stuff getting stolen. Soldier agrees to go and check on Beach Dad HQ.

 

17.12

Pyro has made a water weed smiley face. It's very, very happy. _So_ happy! Almost _too_ happy...

 

17.15

The dog owner is interested to hear about what life is like in Australia, and Sniper tells him a bit about the hovercars and the intelligent buildings and the erection pills, all the usual stuff that the Americans like to hear about.

The dog is now nine tenths into Sniper's lap.

 

17.17

Soldier wanders by Beach Dad HQ and immediately notices the frowny face on Heavy's chest. Evidently the sun dislikes Heavy. Probably because of his red trunks. Soldier does the only thing he can think of to express his agreement with the sun's attitude. He points and laughs.

Heavy leaves Beach Dad HQ.

 

17.19

Medic is reading an article in the paper about the Mayor of Teufort's plans to revolutionise the school system by replacing the teaching of arithmetic with classes on scrap-booking. Pausing in his reading, he opens Demo's jar of jelly beans and tries one. It's not bad, actually. It makes his eyes water, but otherwise not bad.

 

17.21

Pyro's smiley face is getting more complex. It now has a bouffant hairstyle and a monocle.

 

17.23

Mitzi has demonstrated her cartwheel, which Aunt Kelly is impressed with. She also points out the bruise on Scout's face where she kicked him and explains that he was a good sport about it. Aunt Kelly seems to be warming to Scout. He tries a little flex and Mitzi asks him if he needs to poop. Scout assures her that he doesn't.

 

17.24

Spy is strolling along the water's edge, letting his feet sink pleasantly into the cool, damp sand. He narrowly avoids stepping on a jellyfish (which is just as well as Medic has run out of ointment).

 

17.27

Medic wonders where Demo and his lady friend have gone. They went off for a walk some time ago, but the beach isn't very large, and he can't see them anymore. He decides not to worry; the lady seemed like the sensible type. And Demo...well, there's always Respawn.

 

17.29

Pyro's smiley face has an upper body and hands. It's hands are holding live chickens dressed in evening wear. Pyro needs more water weed.

 

17.32

Just as the dog has gotten itself curled up nicely in Sniper's lap, its owner has announced that he has to go, as his wife is meeting him with the car. He and Sniper shake hands and say goodbye. The dog is frustrated that it lost much of an opportunity to overly cautious action.

 

17.34

Heavy and Engie walk by the bar at the same time and go to get some drinks. Heavy leans with his elbows on the bar, and Engie gets up on one of the tall bar stools, and oh hey look! They're actually eye to eye for once.

 

17.37

Pyro's smiley face has gotten a little bit out of control. He appears to have accidentally recreated 'Starry Night' by Van Gogh in the medium of water weeds. Several people stop by to admire it.

 

17.38

Scout, Mitzi and Aunt Kelly are playing the stamping on fish game. Aunt Kelly is a great fish stamper. She totally almost got one.

 

17.40

Thinking back on Heavy's frowny face issue, Soldier notices that he is a little sunburned himself. He checks himself carefully and is glad to discover that he has not made the sun mad. No faces on Soldier. Except for the one that is actually his face.

 

17.42

Medic is reading an article on the Teufort Chamber of Commerce's decision to make all local business owners tie their paperwork into bundles and stack them in corners, in order to deal with the recent shortage of filing cabinets in the town. The subsequently empty and useless filing cabinets are to be taken to the newly-founded City Dump, previously Two-Fart Memorial Park. Medic hatches a plan to go and steal himself a new filing cabinet (The doves have built nests in his old one).

 

17.45

Heavy and Engie are chatting about beaches. Neither of them has spent much time on beaches. Heavy didn't even set eyes on a coast line until the second time he snuck out of Russia, and while there were plenty of lakes in Siberia, they were surrounded by rocks and ice and bears, rather than nice, soft sand. For Engie's part, while there is a good amount of sand to be found in Texas, one could travel a long damn way without seeing a beach. Or anything else, for that matter.

 

17.46

Spy happens by Pyro and sees the artwork that shall henceforth be known as 'Weedy Night'. He has a camera about his person and takes a photograph of it. Pyro is very flattered.

 

17.48

Soldier's sunburn is getting quite sore. He decides to roll in the sand to try and scrape it off.

 

17.49

Soldier deeply regrets rolling in the sand.

 

17.51

Sniper wanders back over to Beach Dad HQ at a leisurely pace, taking the sloping path this time. The sun is starting to set, and groups of people are making their way up to the headlands to watch it.

 

17.55

It's time for Mitzi's family to leave the beach. Her parents have mostly spent the day on their beach towels or at the bar, blissfully unaware of their daughter and sister's antics. Scout walks up to the parking lot with them to wave goodbye. Mitzi tells him that, when she's old enough, she will find him and marry him. She says it with such a tone of dire threat that Aunt Kelly looks horrified. Scout tells Mitzi that she'll have a lot of competition, but she seems confident in beating all comers with her new-found cartwheeling, fish stamping, hole digging skills.

Aunt Kelly gives Scout a kiss on the cheek and thanks him for looking after Mitzi. Then they all get in their car, and Mitzi and Scout wave vigorously at each other until the car pulls out of the parking lot.

Scout glances around to see if any of the guys are nearby to bear witness to gorgeous Aunt Kelly putting her lips on his face. Sadly they aren't. Scout tries not to feel too disappointed.

 

17.57

Just when everyone is beginning to realise that Demo and Noreen have been absent for a while, they reappear, still strolling along quite composedly, arm-in-arm, carrying their empty glasses. They both have sand in uncomfortable places, but nobody can tell by looking and they aren't going to say anything.

 

17.59

Demo and Noreen stroll up to Beach Dad HQ. Medic doesn't ask what they've been doing. He can tell by looking that they both have sand in uncomfortable places.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Battle of Bannockburn and the Sears Non-fiction Classification System are both very interesting things, but possibly not the most appropriate conversation topics for the beach.  
> For those of you too young to remember, when Viagra was invented, it was like all other science stopped for a while, at least as far as the media was concerned. And it was really annoying because news and documentaries were all like '...huge potential for space exploraion BUT THEN BONER PILLS!'  
> '...entirely new species, that has nothing to do with BONER PILLS!'  
> '...fascinating insight into menopausal changes but much more important are BONER PILLS!'  
> Such an annoying year, and people just wouldn't drop it. So I made it Australia's fault. Hovercar would be nice though.


	11. Bonfire Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Engie hunts around for some rocks and sets about laying the fire pit. He's gotten good at this over the years, and in no time at all, he's got a nice, neat dip in the sand, surrounded by a ring of stones. Now if only they can keep Pyro from letting the fire 'escape'...

18.00 [ _Back at RED, Miss Pauling has, with some difficulty, gathered the mercs in the briefing room again. She asks them if they found the day productive. This question is met with a combination of strident negatives and incredulous stares. Miss Pauling suggests that a continued absence of pranks from the battlefield will prevent further exposure to the Counselor. This suggestion is met with grudging, juvenile acceptance. Miss Pauling tells them they can all leave._

_Yes, Scout too._

_Especially Scout._

_Go away, Scout._ ]

 

18.01

The sun is setting. Engie and Heavy, still at the bar, watch it make it's way downwards in companionable silence. Engie is thinking about light refraction. Heavy is thinking about Keats. After the best part of the light show is over, they abruptly realise that the day is coming to a close, and decide to return to Beach Dad HQ and see if their team mates are there.

 

18.05

It's getting quite cool, now. The sun is beginning to set and the little stalls are switching on lights strung along their awnings. Pyro wonders if it's cold enough that he could light a bonfire without anyone getting upset.

 

18.06

Medic decides to put down his beach umbrella and enjoy the last bit of sunlight. Looking around the beach, he can see his team members making their way back towards him from various directions. He wonders what they've been doing with their leisure time.

 

18.08

Soldier is taking one last swim before it gets too cold, in order to try and soothe his sunburn, and the layer of sandburn on top of the sunburn. This is a far better idea than his previous attempt.

 

18.09

Spy returns to Beach Dad HQ and realises that he feels a little sore. Medic looks him over and sees that Spy has slight sunburn on his legs, forearms, and down the centre of his chest where his shirt is hanging open. Spy's skin is so rarely exposed to the sun that it got a little crispy without him even noticing. Spy feels oddly pleased by this. Medic offers him some aloe lotion.

 

18.11

Scout approaches the gathering crowd of his team-mates and complains that he is hungry. Engie glances around and suggests that, as he is quite hungry himself, and Pyro seems to be spoiling to ignite something, why don't they light a bonfire and cook dinner on it? This suggestion goes down very well.

 

18.14

Soldier is lying on his back in the cool water, staring up at the sky, which is becoming an increasingly dark shade of blue. He is reassured by the BLU-ness of the sky, and actually becomes quite relaxed. Unusual for him.

He feels peaceful.

 

18.15

A gull flies across Soldier's field of vision and he yells at it.

 

18.18

Noreen has been included in the bonfire dinner plans, and she graciously accepts the invitation, as her students can all find sustenance for themselves. She and Demo go off to one of the little shops to buy some fire logs.

 

18.20

Pyro is excited for bonfire. He has walked off to the tree line to collect sticks. He knows the others are going for logs and such, but it's always good to have plenty of sticks to hand.

 

18.23

Engie hunts around for some rocks and sets about laying the fire pit. He's gotten good at this over the years, and in no time at all, he's got a nice, neat dip in the sand, surrounded by a ring of stones. Now if only they can keep Pyro from letting the fire 'escape'...

 

18.25

Sniper goes to his roll of stuff and pulls out some fabric and string and pieces of dowel. Some of the lads are watching him as he spreads out the fabric, puts the dowels on top of it in a cross, and starts untangling the string. They seem confused as to what it is, so he tells them. It's a kite.

Pyro immediately gets very very _very_ excited about the kite.

 

18.26

Spy is trying to apply lotion to himself in public with dignity. Even for a man of his natural poise, and even when trying to apply said ointment to parts of himself that have been on show for hours, this is tricky. Medic is trying not to laugh at him.

 

18.28

Scout and Pyro watch as Sniper pieces the kite together, setting the frame and tying on the fabric with tiny, elaborate knots. Scout isn't that bothered about the kite, naturally. He doesn't play with stuff like that anymore, it's a kids toy. He expresses this sentiment out loud, and Sniper states that that's fine; Pyro can have first turn.

Scout sulks.

 

18.30

Medic looks at the inconspicuous roll of canvas that Sniper has been pulling odd items from all day, and wonders what else he might have stashed away in there.

 

18.37

It's Scout's turn with the kite, now that Pyro has become distracted by the fire pit. He's towing it up and down the beach near the water line, whooping excitedly.

 

18.39

It's getting dark. Pyro checks the preparation for the bonfire, approves it, and lights it up. It flares immediately and the flame starts spreading nicely. Pyro loves it when a fire comes together.

 

18.41

Medic, Heavy, Spy, and Engie are discussing what type of food they should get. Medic wants sausages and Engie wants steak. They decide to get all both, along with some chicken and maybe some ribs if the vendor has some. Then there's the fish that Sniper caught earlier, which look pretty good. Engie asks Medic if they ought to get some sort of vegetation too. Medic seems surprised by the question.

Heavy would like burgers, the sandwich of the barbecue.

Spy doesn't mind what they eat really, as long as Pyro isn't allowed to cook.

 

18.43

The sun is pretty far set and it's getting chilly. To save Noreen walking back to the minibus for her clothes, Demo gives her his shirt to put on. He then looks around for his pants, but can't find them. Scout asks him if he was wearing black jeans. If so, he knows where they are; in a giant hole in the sand. Demo sighs and sets off.

 

18.45

Soldier returns to Beach Dad HQ to dry off. He is appraised of Demo's pants situation and laughs.

 

18.48

Engie takes a turn with the kite. He hasn't played with one since he was a kid, and he is beginning to see that that was an oversight on his part. It's like a study in aerodynamics, air resistance, tensile strength, a whole bunch of interesting things. He can see exactly eleven ways in which he could improve on the speed, agility and overall efficiency of Sniper's kite, and two ways in which he could weaponize it. They're on vacation though, so he'll tell Sniper about it tomorrow.

 

18.50

Spy and Heavy go to one of the food stands, which sells raw meat cuts for barbecues. The two of them were chosen out of the group for this task as it's well known that Spy will always go for the best quality of food, while Heavy will always go for the largest quantity. You send them grocery shopping together, you get the optimum results.

 

18.54

Soldier asks Scout about the girl he saw him with earlier. Scout hopes that he means Aunt Kelly, but no, he means Mitzi, who was awesome but isn't as great to brag about. Soldier says she looked weird, what with the glasses and the ballerina dress. Scout's hackles rise, and he insists that Mitzi is nowhere near as weird as Soldier. This is probably true, but that doesn't stop Soldier from getting pissed off.

 

18.56

Medic breaks up a fight between Soldier and Scout over some girl.

 

18.59

Demo went all the way to the end of the beach to find the hole, got stuck in the hole while retrieving his pants, escaped, and walked all the way back again. This gave him a fair bit of time to think. As soon as he arrives back in HQ, he cuffs Soldier around the head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love playing with kites. I haven't done it in ages, and I think it's an oversight I need to correct as soon as possible.  
> Also, bonfires on the beach are fantastic. I've never tried to cook over one though, so please pretend you don't notice if that bit doesn't seem very realistic in the next chapter...
> 
> You may have noticed that I've now changed the story details; the next chapter will be the last one. But don't worry, I've got so many ideas for other stories. Maybe even another timestamp one like this, someday.


	12. At the End of the Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Demo and Noreen are drinking Casinos. These are cocktails comprising gin, maraschino liqueur, orange bitters and fresh lemon juice. They are making a big deal about how good the drinks taste in order to tease the students, who are too young to drink. One of the students tells Noreen that she isn't a very good chaperone. Noreen takes this as a compliment.

19.00

Engie has taken charge of cooking over the fire. He has found some skewers to put through the fish Sniper caught, and there was a metal grill stashed in the cooler that they can use for the steaks. He's not sure what to do about the chicken though.

 

19.01

Sniper throws his two cents in on the method of cooking over open fires, which boils down to nobody except him knows how to do it properly. He goes off into the trees to search for something.

 

19.04

Sniper returns to the fire with two long, sturdy sticks, with little 'V' shaped branches coming out of the ends. Perfect for making a spit, which the others grudgingly admit is a good idea.

 

19.08

Heavy is very carefully cutting up meat and handing it piece by piece to Sniper, who is putting it on the spit, on the grill, or on skewers as appropriate. Engie oversees this process with appropriate solemnity.

 

19.10

Soldier is yelling orders at the cooks. They are ignoring him. He is immured to this type of behaviour, but it has never prevented him from yelling orders before, and it won't prevent him from yelling orders now.

 

19.12

Scout and Pyro are playing Red Hand while waiting for the others to deal with the cooking. It's a game where you have to try and slap your opponent on the back of their outstretched hands, while avoiding them doing the same to you. Scout's winning, not because of speed, but because Pyro's hands are bigger than his and make for an easier target.

Pyro may not actually know what's going on, but he seems happy enough.

 

19.15

Spy is heckling the cooks. This involves jeering them with French cooking terminology. Nobody else can understand what he's saying that's funny, but that's fine. He's had quite a few cocktails today, and he's gotten to the point where he's happy to laugh at his own jokes.

 

19.16

Sniper and Heavy are discussing the butchering and cooking of unusual animals. Heavy is telling Sniper about the care that must be taken when eating bear liver, in order to avoid vitamin A poisoning. Sniper is telling Heavy of the care that must be taken when butchering a crocodile, in order to avoid getting attacked by another, bigger crocodile.

 

19.18

Still playing Red Hand, Scout overhears some of Heavy and Sniper's conversation and feels grossed out. Thankfully, Pyro seems oblivious to anything but the game which, thanks to Scout's distraction, he has just won.

 

19.22

Medic has a look over the food as it finishes cooking to make sure it's done all the way through. He declares it to be fine, and everybody tucks in.

 

19.23

Soldier wholeheartedly approves of the quality of dinner. He's glad that the guys on KP followed his orders. (They didn't, or they would be eating partially raw chicken).

 

19.24

Pyro has to pull his mask up to eat again. He is hiding behind Heavy to do so. Heavy is very agreeably being as wide as he can.

 

19.30

Drawn by the cheerily blazing fire and the smell of the cooking meat, some of Noreen's students begin to linger on the outskirts of the group, hoping for invitations to join them. Noreen rolls her eyes at them, but the guys are feeling benevolent. Heavy and Engie wave the students over to join them. To be fair, they may have over-purchased on meat, so it's just as well.

 

19.34

Demo and Noreen are drinking Casinos. These are cocktails comprising gin, maraschino liqueur, orange bitters and fresh lemon juice. They are making a big deal about how good the drinks taste in order to tease the students, who are too young to drink. One of the students tells Noreen that she isn't a very good chaperone. Noreen takes this as a compliment.

 

19.37

Engie has met a chemical engineering student. They are discussing fuels and the comparative benefits of various types thereof. Engie is interested in the development of nuclear power, while the student is more interested in creating clean burning chemical fuels. They animatedly discuss nuclear fusion. Pyro joins the conversation and leads it along the path of what fuels burn the hottest and sparkliest.

 

19.40

Soldier is listening raptly to Scout, as he spins the yarn of beautiful Aunt Kelly and how she totally put her lips on Scout's face. The story deviates somewhat from actual events, but Soldier ignores (or possibly doesn't notice) the incongruities, as he has a soft spot for a romantic tale.

 

19.43

Medic is talking to one of Noreen's students about medical history. The student seems to be of a very similar mind-set to Medic when it comes to surgery, and they are both delighting in a discussion of 18th century internal surgical tools, while eating hotdogs covered in ketchup. Everyone in earshot is doing their best to ignore them.

 

19.47

Sniper and Spy are discussing what they did all day. Sniper mentions the bird spotting, and Spy is very surprised that Sniper actually has a normal hobby. Spy tells Sniper about the boules, and Sniper is very surprised that Spy actually likes a sport.

 

19.52

Heavy is chatting to the literature student he met earlier. She has finished reading Brave New World and wants to talk about it at length. Heavy is happy to discuss a favourite novel, of course...though he does wish she wouldn't go on quite so loudly about the sexual elements of the book. His team mates are giving him strange looks.

 

19.55

It's getting close to the time they're expecting the bus to come and pick them up. Engie looks into the cooler and is surprised to see how little of the beer they brought has been drunk. Then again, when he and Demo packed, they hadn't known there would be a bar at the beach. Actually, aside from Spy, none of the guys are as drunk as he expected them to get. It's kind of nice to be able to have a conversation with them without at least one person falling asleep mid sentence or talking to an empty chair.

 

19.58

Medic looks at his pile of journals and realises that, with the various distractions over the course of the day, he has only gotten through about half of them. He finds he doesn't regret it. He packs his journals back into his bag and settles his bird skull carefully on the top.

 

20.00

While they are packing up the barbecue stuff, Scout casually asks Engie if it would be possible for him to build a flying car that could be driven safely by a five-year-old. Preferably purple.

 

20.02

The bus pulls into the parking lot.

Pyro throws the last of his sticks on the bonfire and shakes the chemical engineering student by the hand, thus passing responsibility for the bonfire over to him. Pyro is a little sad, as he has shirked his own responsibility to the fire; he hasn't helped it to escape from the firepit. He expresses his hopes the student will do better.

The student hasn't got a clue what Pyro just said, but he's considering throwing various nearby items into the fire to see what happens. He'll do just fine.

 

20.04

Spy keeps an eye on Pyro while he says goodbye to his fire, just to make sure he doesn't run off anywhere. He's drunk, but that doesn't mean he doesn't still have his shit together to a degree the average person couldn't comprehend.

 

20.08

Noreen walks up to the parking lot with them and kisses Demo goodbye. Her students catcall at them from the beach and are ignored. She slips him a bit of paper with her phone number on it. Pity she lives 200 miles away from Badlands, in Albuquerque, but they're resourceful people.

 

20.09

Before they leave, Soldier and Heavy go to check on the parking attendant. They lift the big rock they found earlier off the lid of the dumpster and peer inside. He's still in there. So are the heaps of damp, smelly cardboard and the huge pile of vegetable peelings. He's still alive, which is actually pretty impressive, as it must have gotten up to 90 degrees outside today. Heavy tells him very firmly that a comrade is a comrade. Soldier tells him very firmly that if Miss Pauling hadn't said no ass kicking, he would have gotten such an ass kicking. They leave him in the dumpster, though they don't put the rock back on top of it. He's hopefully learned his lesson.

 

20.12

The mercs are all ready to board the bus. The driver looks nervously at them for a few moments, before steeling himself and opening the doors so they can board.

 

20.30

Everyone is comfortably settled on the bus and on their way home.

 

Scout has enjoyed his day. A couple of unfortunate moments at the start there, but he had fun with Mitzi and Aunt Kelly. He's slumped in his seat, staring out of the window at the stars, day-dreaming about Miss Pauling.

 

Demo has enjoyed his day, and is now sleeping in the seat Scout had earlier. His head is propped against the window, and his breath is fogging up the glass. Poor Demo unknowingly has a picture of a cock and balls very close to his face.

 

Sniper has enjoyed his day. It should surprise no-one that he is fast asleep, and intends to spend the rest of the bus ride that way.

 

Soldier has enjoyed his day. He has found a notebook and a pencil and is busily sketching plans for sandcastles.

 

Medic has enjoyed his day. Boules was nice, the half of his journals he managed to read were very interesting, and it was good to have a change of scenery.

 

Engie has enjoyed his day. Good food, good beer, good music and good company. Plus, he always likes an opportunity to tinker with a generator. He and Medic are sitting across the aisle from one another in the bus, and are talking about an article Medic read earlier on the long term effects of electrocution.

 

Spy has enjoyed his day, though his sunburn is still a bit sore. He particularly enjoyed playing boules again. He may have to find a little patch of flat ground outside the base and teach some of the others to play. Engie might like it; it's all forces and angles, he enjoys that kind of thing.

 

Heavy has enjoyed his day. It's been relaxing, even with the frowny face. He is chatting with Spy about skincare. Spy swears by a particular Swiss brand of cold cream. Heavy swears by rendered bear fat.

 

All is peace on the bus, all is calm.

 

Pyro has enjoyed his day, and is sitting in the centre of the back seat, clutching his bucket, with the lid firmly in place. Inside the bucket are roughly two dozen very small, very irate crabs, all spoiling for a fight.

In exactly 18 minutes, the rear drivers-side wheel of the bus will hit a very deep pot hole, and the resulting jolt will send the bucket flying out of Pyro's hands, parting company with its lid. The crabs will swarm out and unleash catastrophic crustacean chaos on the unsuspecting mercs and their poor, innocent bus driver.

 

For now though, all is peace, all is calm.

And everyone on BLU has enjoyed their day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there we go. I hope you all enjoyed reading that as much as I did writing it (and I've had a blast). As always, I would love to hear what you thought. I'm planning to write some more stuff for TF2 soon, and wil post updates on my Tumblr (called Dancinggrimm).  
> Take care, all :)


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